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'dedicated to the study of dance' - Stanford Future roommate essay

heydeanna 1 / 5  
Jan 1, 2012   #1
For some reason this is the hardest topic for me i dont know what to write , heres my essay so far im trying to add more to the second part, any corrections are greatly appreciated

Dear future roommate,
My name is Diana Castro and I look forward to meeting you this upcoming school year. A little about myself I am from Palm Springs, Ca. so I'm used to the much warmer sunny California weather but I am eager for a change of scenery. I would describe myself as a positive individual. I enjoy being happy, and try my best to keep it that way. I promise to make you laugh as much as I can and hope we can develop a strong friendship together. I love trying new things, meeting new people; I am someone that likes to go out and explore. We could spend a day wandering the city getting to know each other.

I also love hanging things on my walls: posters, stickers, cut-outs, anything. I expect our dorm walls to be white something I look forward to, so that we can fill them color as our college journey progresses.

Music is a big part of my life I listen to it constantly. Future warning I like to sing when I'm happy. My voice isn't the best but it won't make you go deaf either. For the past 10 years, my life has also been dedicated to the study of dance. Ballet is my favorite style of dance. One of my favorite memories was of me dancing around my house; I kicked up and hit my mom's brand new picture frame that hung on the wall. The glass shattered, I panicked and hoped my mom wouldn't notice but she did. She never believed what had actually happened. I hope we can be honest with each other and feel comfortable with each other to freely speak our minds no matter how unbelievable things may sound at times.

OP heydeanna 1 / 5  
Jan 1, 2012   #2
Thanks i know its in california but its colder there than where i live its super hot here 100+ degree weather is normal for us .
I feel like my essay is too plain but i cant focus on one idea that truely describes who i am any suggestions? and
Thanks for the corrections :)
gparfenov 4 / 12  
Jan 1, 2012   #3
I feel like this essay is a chance for you to really be creative, because the topic is so open. It's kind of generic right now (dorm walls and warm weather)--good ideas but I think you should write about more specific things. Maybe elaborate on the exploring and dancing?
OP heydeanna 1 / 5  
Jan 1, 2012   #4
yeah im so uneasy about this one it sounds so generic its ok but i want it to be good thanks for the suggestions I think im going to rewrite
jadore_lamode68 6 / 37  
Jan 1, 2012   #5
Your telling not showing, which is why I think this essay is a bit on the conventional side.

Try giving more description which will not only share alot about yourself but be more interesting for the reader. Most college students plan to do the same things that you mentioned in this essay- what can you say that will make you stand out. Talk about which posters, or what type of music and I think this could be more successful.

All the best luck
OP heydeanna 1 / 5  
Jan 1, 2012   #6
so i completely rewrote my roomate essay the first is my new one and the second is my first draft corrections on the first are greatly appreciated

As we start this new journey we are embarking on an unknown and unforgettable journey to discover ourselves and create a future. It is finally time to go off into the world as an independent young adult. I have been looking forward to this experience more than ever now. I want to go off and explore all the opportunities being at Stanford has to offer; I want to learn from these new experiences.

For me Stanford is a seven to eight hour drive away from home. For some it is not much but for me it is worlds away, nevertheless it is a journey I want to and am ready to take. I can now say that I'm not scared to go absolutely alone so far away from home. It is a new beginning, an opportunity to move away from the past and fully embrace the person I want to be. I have always been labeled as shy but it is actually not so, the first thing I want do- after getting to know you of course- is explore all of the campus and meet new people. I enjoy meeting new people and trying new things.

One aspect of my past I would never leave behind would be my passion for dance. I have taken ballet lessons from the age of eight and it is something I cannot live without. One memory that always brings a smile to my face was when I was dancing around the house (no one was home) I kicked up and hit my mom's brand new picture frame the glass shattered but remand intact. I tried to pretend like nothing happened but that was the first thing my mom noticed. She never did believe me and made me buy her a new picture frame. It is a memory I can laugh about now, but no need to worry I won't be dancing around the dorm all that often only singing. I sing when I'm happy and I sing all the time. I strive to live with a positive attitude and outlook on life.

I hope we have some things in common but if not we can always learn from each other and learn new things.
- Your future friend and roommate,
saurabh93 11 / 94  
Jan 1, 2012   #7
Your essay should demonstrate unique aspects about your personality, and right now it's not doing that so much. I suggest picking a unique attribute and expanding upon it. But you do well in covering all areas about your personality.

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