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I am dedicating my life to service and excellence - TEXAS A&M Transfer Admission Essay


McEsteban 1 / - 1  
Oct 14, 2014   #1
I am dedicating my life to service and excellence. Texas A&M University, steeped in its' tradition and shared communal identity is the perfect place for me to strengthen that resolve. John A. Shedd wrote "a ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." I wish to unmoor and set forth on my journey. My unique background has appropriately prepared me for the challenges I face ahead and I am eager to achieve my goals at Texas A&M.

My life has been uniquely shaped by the built environment. Growing up in coastal Southern California, I experienced how sprawl divided communities and caused social isolation. I lived a considerable distance from the schools I attended and the friends I cared about. The ever present distance was daunting and showed me that there is a need for cities to be designed with people in mind. Cities need to fulfill so much more than they have been traditionally thought of fulfilling, and I have a desire to improve them. For me it is about more than the ever important lines about sustainability or walkability, it is about helping to create a more perfect human emotional experience.

However, I am not content in specializing. My loving parents never had to imbue in me a love of learning; it has always been there. I have spent countless hours cultivating my interests and broadening my understanding of the world. I am a student of history, foreign policy, and politics and the lessons that I have learned from these subjects have revealed to me that I desire to serve my country. I aspire to serve as an Officer in the United States Marine Corps. I have great enthusiasm in not only the technical application and adaptation of foreign policy but also the commitment to personal and professional excellence that the Corps embodies.

I can think of no better place to cast off from and pursue my dreams than Texas A&M University. The challenges I face ahead in achieving my dreams will not be easy. The success of my journey is not certain, and there will undoubtedly be rough seas. Yet, I have learned that life lacks certainty, and it is best to travel as my own certainty. I know that Texas A&M can solidify my certainty and aid me in my journey. I would be honored to be a member of the Aggie family.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 14, 2014   #2
Andrew, the essay that you present is informative but not in an interesting way. The introduction just lacks an interesting hook that can hold on to the attention of the admissions officer as he begins to read the paper. I found myself losing interest after the first paragraph. Then somehow, I managed to force myself to go back and read it all the way. I am glad I did that because in the last paragraph, I found the hook that could make your essay work in a more interesting manner. The hook I suggest you use is the following:

am dedicating my life to service and excellence. Texas A&M University, steeped in its' tradition and shared communal identity is the perfect place for me to strengthen that resolve. John A. Shedd wrote "a ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." I wish to unmoor and set forth on my journey. If I were honored to be a student at Texas A&M and a member of the Aggie family, I know I could not fail.

- This leads the reader to believe that you are about to embark on an interesting adventure. It gives us a sense that you are facing an unknown and that you will do your best to overcome it. Maybe you could do something to make your essay sound as exciting as this paragraph?

It is always more interesting to discover the adventurous spirit of the writer rather than having to sift through what are already formulaic stories in the application forms. By making yourself sound more exciting in a way, the better your chance of being remembered come final deliberation day. Take us on this journey of yours in the unmoored ship. Let us know what is truly going on in your mind and what your belief system is. That will help show a side of you that the normal essay prompts would not present.


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