Andrew, the essay that you present is informative but not in an interesting way. The introduction just lacks an interesting hook that can hold on to the attention of the admissions officer as he begins to read the paper. I found myself losing interest after the first paragraph. Then somehow, I managed to force myself to go back and read it all the way. I am glad I did that because in the last paragraph, I found the hook that could make your essay work in a more interesting manner. The hook I suggest you use is the following:
am dedicating my life to service and excellence. Texas A&M University, steeped in its' tradition and shared communal identity is the perfect place for me to strengthen that resolve. John A. Shedd wrote "a ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." I wish to unmoor and set forth on my journey. If I were honored to be a student at Texas A&M and a member of the Aggie family, I know I could not fail.
- This leads the reader to believe that you are about to embark on an interesting adventure. It gives us a sense that you are facing an unknown and that you will do your best to overcome it. Maybe you could do something to make your essay sound as exciting as this paragraph?It is always more interesting to discover the adventurous spirit of the writer rather than having to sift through what are already formulaic stories in the application forms. By making yourself sound more exciting in a way, the better your chance of being remembered come final deliberation day. Take us on this journey of yours in the unmoored ship. Let us know what is truly going on in your mind and what your belief system is. That will help show a side of you that the normal essay prompts would not present.