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'defined by my decisions and actions + my father' - UIUC essay


Briana21 1 / 5  
Oct 23, 2011   #1
I just need some clarification if i'm describing my father too much and if I should add more details about myself. any other revisions and comments are helpful also!

Prompt: "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence"

He came into my life as a young man, a last resort. He became the man I needed, my new father. He transformed into a strong marine: my marine. He stood not just as my mom's new husband, not a new stepdad, but as a man with a new found daughter.

As a naïve young child, my first instinct was to feel jealousy towards this new man in my life. In my eyes, he was taking my mother away from me. Now, I feel envious as to who this man has grown to be. He grew up with the sound of piercing bullets every day, he grew up with the smell of alcohol on his drunken father, and he grew up with the will to live a better life. He joined the United States Marine Corps to prove that where you come from doesn't define who you are.

I am defined by my decisions and actions, I am defined by my aspirations to be a successful woman, I am defined by the fact that even though I grew up with bullet holes in my house and have seen death take my friends and family, I remain strong willed and hopeful for the future I'm bringing for myself. His free flowing determination and unbound devotion to his career makes me yearn to one day become a young woman who also withholds all the same qualities and more she learned from her father.

As a college bound student, I realized how I grew to love the Marine Corps as much as my father did. I realized how I committed myself to a task as much as he did. I realized how I grew to love myself and have the confidence to achieve the greatest; not just now, but as I transition into a college student. I find myself hopeful for the future, thankful for my past, and ecstatic about the present. Why ecstatic? I have become the person I thought I could never be. I have grown independent and open minded about the world. I have not climbed Mount Everest, or seen the Eiffel tower. For now, I climb the stairs of life and see my father with me at every step. Plain and simple: I have learned to commit and withstand any challenges, and I have learned to work to my full potential and pursue farther than I expect of myself.

Every day my father reminds me to rise above him and his achievements, to rise above the world. He instilled in me an intense drive, an overwhelming confidence in myself whenever he says, "don't let anyone tell you, you can't." It's true. No one can tell me I can't. As the days go by, I overcome every obstacle and achieve the inevitable, that I can; I can achieve success, I can break through the hardships of life, and I can become everything and more that I set for myself.

ruru530 2 / 3  
Oct 23, 2011   #2
I think if you add a bit more about you it would be perfect!
The first line... there seems to be a pattern but it isn't consistent. Either stick with using a colon or a comma. And since you used "my" for my new father and my marine, I suggest you switch the first sentence to "my last resort"

"I am defined by my decisions and actions, I am defined by my aspirations to be a successful woman, I am defined by the fact that even though I grew up with bullet holes in my house and have seen death take my friends and family, I remain strong willed and hopeful for the future I'm bringing for myself."

This is a very long sentence. Try to shorten it up a bit.

Well written! Good luck :)


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