WOW - I'm just bowled over by all of the great essays on this forum!
Anyway this is really kind of rough so any input (grammatical..etc) from you guys would be much appreciated! If you have any essays for me to look at, I would gladly do so :)
The original question: what in your opinion defines you as you?
I found out from online that this question would be looked at first by fourth year students so I really tried to make it interesting. Although is it too much? Did I stray too much from the original question? How should I change it? Thank you so much! (the limit is 1500 characters by the way)
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There, the fleeting shadow of a dark ponytail. A laugh. A nod. Another question. The ponytail swings from side to side. This ponytail, sometimes long, sometimes short and even curly at times, always trailing behind the same girl, stargazing in her tiny pink overalls or attending conferences in a well-fitted blazer. Growing over the years and maturing, she never lost the sparkle of curiosity behind her eyes and the questions, always on the tip of her tongue. Daddy, how can fish breathe in water? Why does the Sun disappear at night? Her questions scattered through time and space. Mister, why does gravity not act on the satellites in space? The world spins around her, so full of kinks and twists. Always the first to ask, always wanting to understand the complex world around her. Quick flashes of memory: sitting in her mom's lap and pointing to the strange-looking animal on the TV screen. Holding a page of questions and asking her biology teacher about cellular respiration. As the legends say, she is what is known as: inquisitive. For sure, she is inquisitive, and she is me. For as long as I can remember, I have been asking questions. This inquisitiveness defines me as me and I am going to carry this trait for as long as I live. Who knows, maybe one day my questions will chance upon an astounding discovery...to be shared with the rest of you, of course!
This essay is great!! I really liked how it flowed quickly, and the first part really pulled me in.
I didn't get what the legend part referred to, but that did not detract much from it.
I think one way you could improve would be to express that girl's love for questions and how she relishes learning.
The reason the first part pulled me in is because I couldn't exactly figure out whether this girl was you or you were a guy infatuated by her, but that is really good.
I think this essay is the best essay I've read on here yet! I really mean it. (I didn't check for grammer, but I didn't see any obvious mistakes.)
Thank you!!! :) I really wasn't sure about this one. How would you suggest that I better express the girl's love for questions? Thanks!
Aha, a mac applicant! :D Wanna look at my essay(s) too later? lol
The essay is nicely written. It's short, but to the point. I just have a tiny issue with the "you" at the end; I realize that you're addressing the reader(s), but it still makes the essay slightly informal.
Perhaps you can expand on why you ask questions? Is it out of curiosity? Self-satisfaction? Knowing things others don't? And what if you happen upon a question nobody knows the answer to? Will you just let it be, or will you work at it until you find the answer?
Aha okay will do. Thanks for the feedback though, adding what you suggested will make it more in-depth :)
Plus, how do you do the "help with mine" thing? :P
Take a look at my other 2 threads, coming soon!
The help me with mine is automatic. The minute you open a new thread, the help me with mine will get added on to your pre-existing posts. However, they only show your two most recent threads, so for your other threads people will have to go to your profile to see them.
