hey guys :)
I was wondering if you could read my essay and give me back some feedback.
The prompt is: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something that will help your future roommate-and us - know you better.
I'm the definition of oxymoron in Oxford's dictionary.
My parents have instilled morals in my personality from a young age and I've grown up strictly abiding by them. However, I'm guilty of stealing. The lens through which I view the world through fused into from the viewing fields of Thoreau, Picasso, Mozart and other scholars. These stolen parts offer me a bridge to the past, present and future.
I'm somewhat of a jumping bean, always active. I make things happen instead of witnessing them get done. At the same time, I'm passive when I'm coaching tennis, tutoring math or making a puzzle with preschoolers. I allow learners through my guiding hand to discover on their own.
I've been labeled an infectious disease. My lucid enthusiasm to succeed and ardent desire to unveil the world in which I inhabit plagues others with those qualities. However, I'm also research for a remedy to alleviate societal ills. Through my leadership, I amalgamate efforts for a common cause such as raising awareness of cancer.
My life is planned out in my calendar and I have a schedule for everything. My tops are folded in my drawer by their color and my pants pocket showing. In other words, I'm an organized freak. Yet, I think in an unorganized fashion. I've learned that I can't accommodate a schedule to the way I think because thinking is an extensive reflection of experiences, art pieces and scholarly journals I encounter.
These contradicting qualities have carved me into the person I represent today. They have fueled my thirst for knowledge and desire to matter. I never seek recognition from others but from my inner self to change the world even on the smallest scale.
Hey, your essay is really interesting. I like how you tied together your contrasting qualities.
The 3rd sentence in the 2nd paragraph is a little to wordy and confusing, maybe. But the idea is really intriguing. If you can make the sentence clearer, it will help the readers to understand better.
If you give an example to your "jumpingbean" quality, that would be great.
Also, if you elaborate more on raising awareness of cancer, that would be great as well.
Other than that, I really like the whole thing!
Thank you :)
I cut out a lot of my sentences because I went over the word limit. That is why I don't have an example of my jumping bean quality. Do you think the essay is too empty without it?
Oh, I see. I think having an example of a jumpingbean quality and deleting your 2nd sentence in the paragraph would be better. :)
But wouldn't that rid of my contrasting qualities in the paragraph?
No, because you say after that sentence, "at the same time, I'm passive..." which clearly shows that you're active and passive at the same time.
I'm kind of confused. Which sentence do you think I should get rid of?
Oh, sorry if I haven't made it clear. The "I make things happen instead of.." sentence.
Instead of referring to Thoreau, Picasso, and Mozart as "scholars," try something like "revolutionary thinkers" (since I'm pretty sure none of them were scholars :)).
Maybe use a more sophisticated definition of "oxymoron" than the Oxford dictionary. Do a google search and see if some literary great made a witty remark about what an "oxymoron" (or a synonym for it) is.
Also, you do a good job laying out your "opposing" qualities. I think it's important that you be very clear when you explain the energy/perspective/whatever that is bred from your contradictions. And further--explain why ONLY A SCHOOL LIKE STANFORD CAN ACCOMMODATE YOUR HYBRID GENIUS.
And honestly...real quick...I think "jumping bean" has some negative racial connotations...you may not want to use that particular metaphor...
Thank you Jiyoon :)
Ellan, I did not incorporate the jumping bean metaphor with a racial connotation. To me, it is truly something that describes me. Do you have any ideas about what I can use as a metaphor besides the jupming bean? Which part should I expand more on?
Also, if i had anything, I must delete another part because I have already reached the word limit.
I don't doubt your reasons for referring to yourself as a jumping bean.
But you are not the reader of the essay. As the writer, it is your job to communicate as clearly as possible to the admission committee. As the applicant, you want to avoid including anything that could be misconstrued, particularly if it has the potential to be offensive.
I don't know another metaphor for "jumping bean," but perhaps you would like to choose a metaphor that would paint a portrait of someone who had a little more control over themself. I doubt that the admission committee will be discussing your bean analogy to this extent, but consider these portrayals:
Jumping beans were used as a recurring gag in many cartoons from the 1930s to the 1950s, wherein eating the beans would cause a character's whole body to bounce out of control and land on something painful.