Hi, im applying to FSU and i need some criticism on my essay. That would help a lot! Thank you!
Prompt: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
When a person is powerful, it could mean one of many things. Not only does this expression relate to the physical strength of a person but it also relates to someone's emotional and intellectual potency. Making wise decisions and having the strength of mind to prove myself have always led to my accomplishments. Throughout my life, I've been very driven and passionate about things I want to achieve. I exhibit strengths of all kinds as I carry out my personal goals. Whether it's excelling on the cheerleading mat or receiving good grades on a term paper, I demonstrate vires, physical, moral, and intellectual strength.
Being on the sixth best team in the country is no simple task. My cheerleading team and I are constantly pushing ourselves in order to be the best. As we focus on our objectives, we pull through and our talent is apparent. Giving up has never been an option because of all our hard work and determination. It takes physical power and extreme dedication to be successful. We work over 15 hours a week and this becomes evident when it becomes time for competition. My physical strength greatly contributes to this major aspect of my life.
School has always been a delight for me. I always enjoy the satisfaction of receiving high grades for assignments that I put copious amounts of effort into. Growing up, my academic success was vital. My family has very high expectations for me, and I take pleasure in proving myself to them. Being on the Honor Roll and Principle's List is something I will always take pride in. I am proud of my intellect because I know that it will lead me to my success in the future.
Finding friends is always an easy task for people. However, it's keeping friends that some may find difficult. Personally, I value my relationships with other people with high regards. I respect every friendship I share with someone. Staying true to my morals has led me to having very strong bonds with people. From past experience, I know that trust is required in any association with someone. Living by my beliefs and morals defines me as the person I am, and I'm proud to say I that I stand strong behind my principles.
I have always shown strength through out my life. Need it be physically, intellectually or morally, I always tend to push myself toward success. Vires applies to me for that very reason. I'm unwavering and passionate about the things I love and I'll never let failure overpower me.
Interesting approach! At the start, I might use " " marks:
When a person is said to be "powerful," it could mean one of many different things.
For the end of the first paragraph, it seems a little convoluted. That last sentence, I mean. That last sentence of your first paragraph is important. It would be great to refer to Vires, Artes, and Mores in the body of that intro paragraph, but then choose one of them as the focus of the essay.
Actually, i think you are doing that with Vires, aren't you? It is just a little unclear.
For that first paragraph, it would be good like this:
When a person is powerful... Through excellence on the cheerleading mat, earning excellent grades, and supporting my classmates in their struggles, I have come to identify most with the Florida State University virtue known as "Vires."
That way, you can keep that virtue as the central focus of the essay. If you want to keep that last sentence of the first paragraph the way it is, use a dash and quotation marks:
Whether it's excelling on the cheerleading mat or receiving good grades on a term paper, I demonstrate "Vires" -- physical, moral, and intellectual strength.
