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Demanding Columbia-"what is most appealing about Columbia & why?"

HK92 2 / 6  
Dec 24, 2010   #1
Short answer prompt: "Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why"
(maximum of 1500 characters allowed)
And here's my response...Please help!

If I could have the honor to make the Columbia University admission application question, I would make it "tell us what you find unappealing about Columbia." That way the answer will be quite short and more likely be blank, for the good of everyone, instead of gazillion ideas forced into a nice and concise short answer. However, if I must choose a single "the most appealing" aspect of Columbia, I should point out the paradox of the university to get around with talking about many things when asked for one.

Having a gigantic campus in the middle of world's most international and diversified New York City, Columbia University appears ironic for its small and cozy academic environment-and that is just the way I like it. Already given that the excelling academic quality and broad diversity at Columbia is world renowned, I am extra attracted to the university's claim that such a big college in a big city has "a student to faculty ratio of 6 to 1" and majority of classes with "fewer than 20 students," which allow "a series of small, discussion-based seminars." Although I have always hoped to live in the middle of lively and bustling urban environment, especially around places like the United Nation headquarter, Wall Street, and Broadway for inspirations, I also wanted to attend a big and diversified school with small sized classes and full individual attentions that I know I can maximize my potential in.

It sounds pretty demanding, but Columbia University offers more. (Ends with 1496 characters)

I'm not a native English speaker, so I would appreciate lots of grammar corrections...
Also, I'm worried that I sound too flippant(?) in the first paragraph
And the quotations are from Columbia website...could I do that?
Well, I should probably leave it to whoever corrects it for me now...

Thank you so much in advance!
carotene 2 / 6  
Dec 24, 2010   #2
You use too much words like "gazillion" and "gigantic" that are not formal. Maybe change those words!

Please read my transfer app :)))
chocana 6 / 18  
Dec 24, 2010   #3
I think it sounds a little flippant, because your word choices are very informal. Also, I may reconsider the word "claim" because it has a negative connotation. I sounds insincere :( And try to use variety of sentence lengths, because you have some run-on sentences. Especially, try dividing or cutting down the sentence with the quotations. And is the use of quotations necessary??

I hope this helped :) Please check out my common app essay!
OP HK92 2 / 6  
Dec 24, 2010   #4
Yeah, I should make it more formal..Thanks carotene and chocana!! I will look at yours too :)
ioannis 2 / 3  
Dec 24, 2010   #5

Your essay looks really nice.
Simple and straight to the point..
However, I think you should take advantage of the extra characters..
200-400 less is not a problem, but 1496 shows that you can't elaborate your arguments.
Hope that helped.

Best Wishes
OP HK92 2 / 6  
Dec 24, 2010   #6
Thanks ioannis:)
And I have a question for someone who might look at my essay!
Should I leave or take out the part, "to get around with talking about many things when asked for one" at the end of the 1st paragraph??

Well, I'm more of a fun-loving kind of person, and I just wanted to lighten up the essay that the admission guys must read billions in dreadful boredom...

Advice please?
numbaone0920 3 / 7  
Dec 24, 2010   #7
Yeaeh I just wanted to point out that in the beginning of your second paragraph you call the campus "gigantic" but in the very next setence you say the campus is "small and cozy." These are directly constrasting with each other I think you might want to rethink that segment.

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