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"demolishing the kitchen" - Common Application short response


christiek 6 / 65  
Aug 30, 2009   #1
Common application short answer Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).

"Hey, check if the cheesecake is ready!"
"Yes! It's perfect."
The kitchen was a mess. But today was a big day, and we were on the verge of demolishing the kitchen from our frantic behavior. Nonetheless, My friend Zara and I were about ready for our bake sale in front of the local grocery market. While we were setting up, I felt the curious eyes of early morning shoppers. And deep inside I was laughing because I knew that the aroma of freshly baked cheesecake bits and peppermint hot chocolate filling the crispy winter air would be tempting. It was a success. Our mission was to send socks to American soldiers stationed in Iraq. I purchased the 150 pairs of socks. We are epicures united for countries. We felt proud of our work, especially through a passion we have for cooking. The next challenge was purchasing mosquito nets for Africa.

SUGGESTIONS/CRITIQUES?
Aemilia 1 / 4  
Aug 30, 2009   #2
I enjoyed your essay! The first thing I notice in terms of a critique is the large amount of passive verbs (am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been) you use, for example:

The kitchen WAS a mess.
Today WAS a big day.
My friend Zara and I WERE about ready.
You may want to work on incorporating stronger action verbs. For example, instead of saying "we were about ready," you could say "we had almost finished preparing." You could change "I was laughing," to "I laughed."

Anyway, I hope that helps a bit!
OP christiek 6 / 65  
Aug 30, 2009   #3
OHH thank you!
i notice them too now haha
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 30, 2009   #4
If I were admissions, I would be entertained by this lively answer.

We are epicures united for countries - Iraq. Our mission that day was to send socks to American soldiers stationed in Iraq.

As written one may think that all you do is send socks to soldiers whereas you also do other things like purchase mosquito nets.

The kitchen was a mess. Today was a big day, and we were nearly on the verge of having the kitchen demolished from our frantic behavior.

Just condense this to ""The kitchen was a mess and we were frantic." or something. Of course, as others have pointed out, you need stronger verbs.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 30, 2009   #6
I'm so glad to see that someone else has pointed out the verb problem, which detracts from the liveliness of this otherwise charming essay.
EF_Team [Moderator] 41 / 222 15  
Aug 30, 2009   #7
christiek

Why did you title this thread: "Common Application short response"?
OP christiek 6 / 65  
Aug 30, 2009   #8
i mean i didnt intend for that to be my actual title if thats what you think....
so every time i make a thread, is it required to put a creative title or something?
sorry im confused.
EF_Team [Moderator] 41 / 222 15  
Aug 30, 2009   #9
Every time you create a new thread you just need to read the red, bold instructions on yellow background and follow this link to understand the rules:
OP christiek 6 / 65  
Aug 30, 2009   #10
Okay I understand now.
sorry about that.


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