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I was denied from my dream school and I reapply - no other option for me - UCF Application Essay

aman515 1 / -  
Oct 18, 2014   #1
I am applying as a transfer student to UCF, and I believe the essay part was a major part of why I wasn't accepted the first time around. So if anyone can edit this and offer suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated.

Essay: The personal statements are a very important part of your application. They assist the university in knowing you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data. We ask that you respond to two of the topics below. Your personal statement should be no longer than a total of 500 words or 7000 characters for both statements combined. The best personal statements are not necessarily the longest ones.

1.If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.

I recently faced an obstacle that affected both my personal and academic life, it was the biggest obstacle I have ever dealt with. It changed my life forever. "Due to the academic strength of this year's applicant pool, we regret that we are unable to offer you admission for the Fall 2014 term" was what I read in disbelief. All those days of checking my application status, and all the people around me who got accepted one by one. But I was denied from my dream school. It didn't hit me until my first day at college. I looked up at the sign, and it did not say UCF. Everything changed, first it was my mood. I was feeling down and I felt like failure. I was embarrassed to tell my friends and family. I didn't know why every other university I applied to accepted me, but the only one I ever considered rejected. The days turned into weeks at the other university, and I fell into downward spiral. I lost the motivation and passion for academics that I had once before. Once I become a student at UCF, I will become myself again.

2.Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

I applied to UCF because there is no other option for me, it is the only college that I am applying to. I attended another university for a semester, but I am already transferring to UCF. I believe that this shows my overwhelming devotion to this college that I soon hope to call my own. The University of Central Florida is where I am meant to be. My life goal is to be accepted and become a UCF Knight. My personal reasons are not the only reason I am applying to UCF. I have heard many wonderful experiences from students at UCF. The University of Central Florida has built a name for it's self through the years and become a landmark in Florida
nicolezmh1997 6 / 30 8  
Oct 18, 2014   #2
In my opinion, I think the content or essence of your essays is pretty good. But your essay is not vivid enough because your intoduction paragraph is too normal.

I think you could further revise your introduction and put a hook to grab the attention of the admission officer!

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