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How would I describe the culture of my school community? Personal profile question

mahek agarwal 1 / 2  
Aug 10, 2020   #1
I'm a 12th grade student hoping to get into the UBC, Canada next year and I'm trying to attain a position in the International Scholars Program. I've started on my personal profile questions and I am finding it very hard to be concise and write within the word limit. Any and all help is welcome and deeply appreciated. This is the question I am currently working on:-

"Briefly describe the culture of your school community and your involvement within it.

What impact has the school culture had on you? How would you enhance or change it?"

I would describe the culture of my school as one that is spiritually inclined, conducive for academics and sports alike and well endowed with opportunities.

Right from the very beginning, I could sense the level of importance that was given to spirituality in the holistic development of students. From our morning spiritual classes to evening aarti sessions ( a Hindu religious ritual of worship, a part of puja, in which light is offered and songs (bhajans) are sung in praise of the deity ), each day was packed with lessons, verses and teachings from The Bhagvad Gita, the Vedas and other such ancient texts.

Every new festival brought along with it, ample opportunities for showcasing our skills and so I participated in several cultural programmes, notable among which was my role in the Annual Janmashtmi ( the day marking the birth of Lord Krishna) Celebrations, where I played the role of Draupadi ( the wife of the Pandyas).This was very enriching as I explored an avenue well out of my comfort zone and it proved to be one of the best experiences of my life.

As the school was a co-ed, residential one, the bond that we as students shared with each other and with the teachers, wardens, and faculty was very deep. Our teachers were more than just advisors and educators; we were one huge family, learning, celebrating, and growing together. The school housed students from a score of countries and this provided us with an unprecedented sense of a global community.

Another aspect that was unique to the school was its strong involvement in charity and humanitarian programmes. As senior students, we were taken to a Chinmaya CORD facility ( an organization for rural development) led by Dr. Mira where we witnessed how rural women empowered themselves and formed self-help groups with the help of resources from the school. We were shown a true glimpse into the struggles that women in such areas face and I could see in practice how the little good we do can go a long way to help somebody.

I would probably suggest a more democratic way to select its Council Members (Student Body) like a secret ballot to enhance the level of student participation in the creative efforts that go behind organizing various festivities.

mattuche 2 / 2 1  
Aug 10, 2020   #2
well written essay. You answered the first question correctly and in detail, but for how you will enhance or change it, I think you should write more points. For instance, you can suggest more ways in helping the rural community like organizing weekend coaching lessons for children and enlighting them in the innovation and development of science and technology
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,088 3250  
Aug 10, 2020   #3
You should be offering suggestions to improve every aspect that you discuss in the essay. That way you will be able to show a well rounded interest. Surely you have ideas as to how you can improve the festivities at your school or, perhaps make the religious ceremonies more interesting or updated for the new century. You should clarify if you attended a boarding school, in reference to "As the school was a co-ed, residential one", because that part tends to be a bit confusing. Why was it residential? In the interest of the boarding school community, what changes might you suggest to make the experience better for the students? Your response about improving the elections of the student body is too sudden. You need a transition sentence into that topic. Don't just present it without justification or basis. The most lacking element in the discussion is the impact that the school culture had on you. Simply describing the events, without indicating how it helped you develop as a person does not respond to the first question asked in the essay. The response to that question should help you develop a better response to how you plan to enhance or change your school community and why. You also have to make a clearer reference to how you were involved with the school community. It is not clear. You speak of the events from an outsider point of view, you need to show more involvement in the activity to make it a clear response to the discussion instruction.
OP mahek agarwal 1 / 2  
Aug 12, 2020   #4
I'm not able to make a smooth transition from the last paragraph to this one. So far this is what I was able to change. I've made some major changes in the essay adding in more of how the school impacted me and my personality.

How would you enhance or change it?
I would suggest that the school use a different approach towards selecting the people in charge of organizing the festivities as currently it is only restricted to the Council Members. If a new and larger sect of people is in charge, then the programmes will turn out to be a true collaboration of interests and ideas.

The school could take senior students to visit the nearby villages to interact and teach the underprivileged kids living there. This could be a very fruitful experience and go a long way in helping the students build their character.

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