Is this narrative enough? Please help me!
Topic: Describe the environment you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and how this environment has affected or influenced your plans for the future.
Requirement: under 400 words
From Thoughts to Destiny
Every day at my house, when I pass by our bulletin board, my eyes automatically focus on an aging sheet of paper that features Frank Outlaw's wise quotation:
"Watch your thoughts; they become words
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
I smile to myself because this rich message has molded my life. My mother and I frequently follow its principles.
I come from a single-parent home. My mother and I immigrated to the United States just before I turned eight. Like far too many children in today's society, I faced parental divorce, guilt, fear of abandonment, disappointment, frustration, loneliness, and blame. We persevered by living a structured life. My mother would draw our life's path on a map. The fact that I could see our footprints moving forward helped me find roads, and later I started projecting goals many steps ahead.
My mother helped me understand that bad thoughts tend to waste time and focus on problems instead of solutions. She also helped me see how my choice of words expresses ideas that will influence my decisions. Sometimes she only needs to say, "You are using a strong word!" I recall the quotation and refocus myself.
I was very young when I began to learn these lessons. One of my first exercises in organization involved my backpack. I made sure to keep my homework in the right order. Today, the same principle helps me keep up my busy lifestyle. Sometimes, I see my classmates struggling simply because they cannot put things in a meaningful order.
Although my mother has shaped my habits, I also shaped my own. While my home environment influenced my future, I understood that other processes give me control over my own destiny. I do not know my ultimate destiny, but I know that I possess the right tools and strengths to move forward.
Hi,
Please find my review comments below.
In a long long time, I found such a wonderful essay. There were very few grammatical mistakes but they never posed any problem for a sentence to convey its meaning. The essay was really very inspiring and the similarity drawn between the Homework and one's busy life was really wonderful.
The essay is so beautifully written that it feels like I am watching your life in a movie when actually I was reviewing it.
That's my fist time seeing the quotation and it's riveting.
That aside, your writing isn't quite so, and fails at addressing the prompt.
Ineluctably, some would find it objectionable after the fact, but I'd leave out the quote and draw on it (as you try without much success) to complement a narrative with its own substance. No doubt, I'd fundamentally change the commentary inspired by the quotes enough to constitue a unique idea.
When I pass by a certain bulletin board, my eyes...
That might be more intriguing.
Rhythm: I smile to myself , because this rich message has molded my life.
Nice!
...faced the divorce of my parents -- which came with guilt, fear of abandonment, disappointment, frustration, loneliness, and blame.
That quote is a great choice, and you did well with it.
Like far too many children in today's society, >>>How about "Like many children in today's society, ? (I felt as though "Like far too" was awkward and unnecessary...but of course it's up to you). Compliment's: I absolutely love that quote...it's beautiful. I love how personal your essay sounds. But I want to stress addressing the prompt, it seems as though you address half of it. You talk about your family and how that influences you and how it affects you, but there's more to your environment then those things. When there's a prompt...try to tackle as much of it as you can even if it's once sentence. I might suggest after this sentence: "Like far too many children in today's society, I faced parental divorce, guilt, fear of abandonment, disappointment, frustration, loneliness, and blame. We persevered by living a structured life. "...you should elaborate more on those children in your community like you, school and then tie up your essay talking about how your mother helps you deal with your environment and the great lesson you have acquired from her. Good Luck in all and I love your essay...you mother seems great. =)
