Any feedback is greatly appreciated. I know it's long and I know my transitions suck, so i'd love suggestions on how to fix that. Thanks!
The summer after my sophomore year, I went on a mission trip to Honduras with an organization called Project Teamwork. Although it sounds like a cliché, my life was forever changed.
There were two consecutive one-week trips. The first week consisted of a series of vignettes encouraging abstinence. We traveled around to different middle and high schools throughout the week performing and giving our testimonies of faith. I composed and wrote lyrics for an original song and translated it to Spanish for the drama. During the second week, we cemented, stuccoed, and painted a church, held marriage-counseling classes, provided childcare with bible study curriculum, and held a wedding for two couples in the church we had renovated.
I went on the trip because I wanted to augment my already proficient skills in the Spanish language and because I feel a call to serve those in need. I came back having not only accomplished these goals, but also having learned a great deal about people's perception of life, happiness, and value. I came back inspired with a completely new perspective, one that would shape my life and give me insight as to what really matters in this world, and how to attain that.
Having just wiped sweat off my face, I looked over my sleeve and saw a little girl, about four years old, watching me sling cement on the skeletal walls of what would soon be her village's church. She and her friends played there every day because, even though there was no air conditioning, there was shade in the blistering Central American summer. She asked me what I was doing, and I told her. She asked me if she could help, and I almost refused her, thinking I was merely turning down a polite dinner guest's request to help with chores. But when I looked into her eyes, I realized that all she really wanted was to be a part of the wonderful thing she saw us doing. She loved this place, and she wanted to help me improve it. I could not refuse her. She and I talked and laughed for a long time as we slung cement, and I learned that she helps her 17-year-old mother take care of her baby brother. Her mother, like most mothers in the areas we visited, had taught her to beg and sometimes even lie for money. I tried to hold back tears because it was just another life lesson for these kids. She would not have understood why I was crying. Project Teamwork did not allow us to give the children any money, for obvious reasons, and it broke my heart.
I have always known that material possessions are not as important as faith, hope, love, friendship, loyalty-all of the heart-warming ideas I have been fed since I was a child. But seeing a mother carrying her son on her shoulders, both of them naked for necessity's sake, and both of them happier than all of my rich private school friends, that just made it all too real for me. I have been blessed with many gifts. I have been given musical talents, a strong academic mind, and a compassion for others that so quickly becomes passion. Therefore, I feel that it is my responsibility to share my gifts with others and to use them to their separate and full potentials.
I have been given musical talents, a strong academic mind, and a compassion for others that so quickly becomes passion, so I feel that it is my responsibility to share my gifts with others and to use them to their separate and full potentials, both on campus and around the world.
too long
that just made it all too real for me.
I don't really get it.
because, even though
doesn't make sense, revise.
Well, your first paragraph is only one sentence. I think you should tell succinctly how it changed your life. Then, use the rest of the essay to explain what you mean.
Wow, strong ending! I think you should try to condense it and make room for a little discussion about some decisions, some resolutions you made after that experience. How will it prove to have affected your career?
Oh, my mistake, it is 2 sentences. My point was that you should probably tell them how it affected you at the start with a powerful last sentence to that intro paragraph. THEN, begin the brilliant explanation. Finally, at the end, reflect on all of it. The explanation goes in the middle, and the intro & conclusion are reserved for thoughtful expressions of the main theme.
I hope that helps!!!
