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Uf essay "Describe a meaningful event" - 'I had changed someone's life'

kaitlyn 1 / 2  
Dec 6, 2008   #1
This essay is for the University of Florida, and I was wondering if it needed anything before I summit it, and grammatical errors etc.? Here is the prompt and the essay.

Prompt: Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

Essay: Sweat from hard work streamed down my skin and heat beat down on my neck as I looked up and my eyes linked onto those of the sweetest, heartfelt, man: Doug. His eyes were filled with appreciation and wonder over how someone could be so willing to sacrifice for him. As I continued scrubbing the floors and cleaning the counters of his home, I began to see how blessed I was to be living the life I have. After speaking with Doug, I learned that he suffers for Alzheimer's, a form of dementia that leads to impaired memory, thought, speech, and finally complete helplessness. The gratefulness came spilling out my heart; I became appreciative for food, money, a home, a family, but most of all an opportunity to travel to Welch, West Virginia, and offer Doug a piece of my heart and soul. The moment I saw those soft, gentle eyes, my heart could feel the struggle; I knew I had changed someone's life, which in turn changed mine.

To help repair Doug's home, has opened my eyes to see that there are dozens, if not millions, of people, like Doug, who are less fortunate; they struggle just to get through every day. Everyday my youth group and I worked on Doug's home, building a back porch, constructing a barrier to prevent flooding, and cleaning everything from the bathroom toilet to the front yard. Working every minute, I got to step out of my comfort zone and into a world where you do not always have the things you need or want. I could care less that I was drenched in sweat, and covered in dirt- my perception of the world I lived in was changing with every day I spent in Doug's life.

Rewinding to the beginning of my life changing experience, I had no clue what to expect that summer of 2007, riding in the van, with cheeks pressed to the window and eyes peeled, searching the road ahead for a clue as to what the journey would behold. All I could see was the weak white walls, of the trailer, holding on for dear life, kneeling next to an indigent figure, but what I learned changed me forever.

I became a new person because of Doug's eyes, stronger in mind and heart. I am immensely lucky to have what I have in life. Doug taught me that life is a gift, and should be cherished always. I am eternally grateful for the experience and how Doug changed my life. As a result, I now know what my lifelong goal is, to reach out to people in need, like Doug, and to make a difference, by going into the medical field. With one of the most Prestigious Medical schools in the country, the University of Florida is a place where I see that goal being reached. My determination and perseverance towards achieving my goal is what makes me an excellent contribution to the campus community.

lasershot91 8 / 7  
Dec 7, 2008   #2
I think that this is a very nice essay with lots of great imagery and you analyze the implication of your example. I just think that you could add more content about how you would contribute to the UF campus. I understand what you are tryign to say, but i just think that more about 'how' rather than 'why' would be better.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 7, 2008   #3
Sweat from hard work streamed down my skin and heat beat down on my neck, and as I looked up my eyes linked onto those of the sweetest, heartfelt, man: Doug.

...searching the road ahead for a clue as to what the journey would hold .

All I could see were the weak white walls of the trailer,...

I became a new person because of Doug's eyes; I became stronger in mind and heart.
OP kaitlyn 1 / 2  
Dec 8, 2008   #4
Thank you for the corrections. I have one more question, if it is not too much to ask. Do you feel the essay can be submitted, if so do you think the essay will catch the readers attention?

Thank you again:)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 9, 2008   #5
Yes, you caught my attention, right from the first sentence! You are a good writer!
janaylloyd09 4 / 9  
Dec 9, 2008   #6
This is an awesome essay!!!!! I dont want to take anything from it, but I do think that you should minimize the imagery. It adds "flavor" to your work, but colleges aren't necessarily looking for "flavor." You should stick to the topic 100% and add a little humor throughout your work. All in all, it definitely an eye-catcher!!! Good Job!!

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