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Describe a meaningful experience: University of Florida Essay


ksolem 1 / -  
Oct 20, 2012   #1
It would be wonderful if I could get help with my UF essay, any and all criticism would be appreciated
The prompt is: Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

There are events that happen in life that can radically change their views or actions. This past summer I was selected to be one out of thirty teenagers in Collier County to participate in Youth Leadership Collier. YLC is a week long program that is meant to teach teenagers about their community and how to take initiative and make a difference. As I was driving to my first day knots began to form in my stomach and the nerves were kicking in. Shyness and introversion had always been a problem for me growing up and within a couple hours I was going to be forced into a room with a group of complete strangers. Every day was different and intriguing; the first few days we toured successful businesses such as Arthrex, Ritz Carlton, and Naples Community Hospital. Later on in the week we transitioned to touring local government buildings and offices. We were able to sit down and talk with people like the Mayor Sorey, Senator Richter, the director of NCH, and various lawyers, attorneys, and chefs. Slowly as the week progressed I could feel myself coming out of my shell and feeling more confident in my abilities. On Friday it was time for graduation and I was distraught, I didn't want to leave my YLC family. Going into the program, I never realized how much it was going to impact me. I feel so blessed to have been chosen to be a part of it and am determined to make the most of my opportunity. That week I shed my natural inhibitions and insecurities and that is a feeling I will never forget. Fast-forward 5 months later. Since graduation I have planned two successful YLC reunions and stayed in contact with my class. I also used the tools I learned from the program to start a food drive at my school that donated 200 cans of food for a local homeless shelter. Leadership is a key skill for success and I believe I was taught that at this program. I hope to further develop my leadership skills and do more to impact my Gainesville community if given the opportunity. If accepted I would join clubs and organizations such as CRU and Club Tennis. It would be great to be a Florida Gator.
ajdue 2 / 8  
Oct 20, 2012   #2
In your essay you use a lot of "to be" verbs like is. Try and stay away from those and use stronger action verbs in your sentenced. Saying "YLC ,through a week long program, teaches teenagers about their community and how to take initiative and make a difference " sounds much stronger than "YLC is a week long program that is meant to teach teenagers about their community and how to take initiative and make a difference ". The last sentence is especially weak.


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