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UC "Describe a Quality" Short Essay. 300~ words. Any advice?


lklklk124 4 / 7 1  
Sep 15, 2012   #1
Hey guys!
Before any reading, I want to thank you for visiting this thread. Essay composition is definitely not my forte and just knowing that there are people out there who are willing to spend their time to help me gives me confidence. So thank you.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

While volunteering at St. Paul's Towers retirement home, an elderly professor taught me the most important lesson of my life. Amazingly, he communicated with me without words because Alzheimer's had severed his connections with reality long ago. As I stared into the sleep-filled eyes of the former professor of sociology at the University of Maine, Orono, words failed to describe the sadness and regret that I felt, regret that the professor could no longer share his vast knowledge with eager students like me. But I also felt a strange yet familiar restlessness that I later identified as intense curiosity. The sheer unfairness of Alzheimer's fickle decision to rob a scholar's great and contributive mind irked me like a splinter that is too small to remove.

When school resumed, it became difficult to continue with my previous schedule but I continued to study Alzheimer's when I could find the time. Soon, I realized that my knowledge was insufficient to understand the complex biological processes and phenomenon that cause dementia and other mental diseases and this bothered me above all others. But I also felt a sense of satisfaction that stemmed from being overwhelmed with information that I don't understand; I feel a calm sensation when I know that there is so much more to enjoy, so much more to look forward to. It's almost like waiting for the sequel to an excellent novel to be released. I can confidently say that my curiosity is the greatest motivation behind my academic and extracurricular pursuits, more than peer and parent pressure and definitely more than the letter grades on a transcript. More than any other trait I possess, my curiosity defines me and I am fiercely proud of it.

Thank you for your help.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Sep 18, 2012   #2
Good work on your essay! I really love what you have written and the subject of your paper.

When you say: "But I also felt a strange yet familiar restlessness that I later identified as intense curiosity. The sheer unfairness of Alzheimer's fickle decision to rob a scholar's great and contributive mind irked me like a splinter that is too small to remove."

It sounds like rambling, I would just try to be clear and concise with this notion. I love the splinter part.

When school resumed, it became difficult to continue with my previous schedule but I continued to study Alzheimer's when I could find the time.

Can you say this in a better way, to shine a better light on you... like: "Although it was challenging to find the time, I balanced my schoolwork with the research of Alzheimer's disease."

And then you say "Soon, I realized that my knowledge was insufficient to understand the complex biological processes and phenomenon that cause dementia and other mental diseases and this bothered me above all others."

Shine a better light: like: "I became aware that my knowledge was a drop in the bucket compared to the large realm of mental illness, including dementia."
OP lklklk124 4 / 7 1  
Sep 23, 2012   #3
Thanks. I realize that I tend to ramble a bit. Your suggestions are good though. I'll be sure to include them :P.
3psilon 1 / 2  
Oct 17, 2012   #4
Hey Leo! I know this is a bit off topic ! But thanks for helping me with my Personal Essay! Think you can give me some more critique before I send it in please! Can I email you? Thanks
OP lklklk124 4 / 7 1  
Oct 28, 2012   #5
:O
sorry, it's been a while since i came onto essayforum. Sure, i guess, if u still need help with your essays. They're pretty good already; i'm not sure i can help you more. my email is yiming.kang1@gmail.com if you want to send me some moar stuff.
janiceli 2 / 6 1  
Oct 28, 2012   #6
This essay is really nice. It's nice that I can feel that you're really passionate about brains and things. You have really set yourself apart in being able to talk about this topic. I think the thing you could change is to be a little less typical student-y. You say, "words failed to describe the sadness and regret that I felt, regret that the professor could no longer share his vast knowledge with eager students like me". This sentence feels forced. I would strongly suggest that you go on and tap into your real feelings instead of just going with the "typical" answer---do you know what I mean?

Feel free to email me any new drafts if you need any help. I usually write a bit more, but I just wrote a whole essay myself!

janice.li0627@gmail.com

You gave me excellent advice, thanks a million! I actually just rewrote that entire essay and it's even rambly-er (not a word). Would you be willing to take a look at my new draft at some point?

Janice


Home / Undergraduate / UC "Describe a Quality" Short Essay. 300~ words. Any advice?