PROMPT: Describe an activity, interest, experience, or achievement in your life (this could be a book, movie, or an activity or experience at work, home, or school) that has been particularly meaningful to you.
any suggestions or corrections?? :]] thanks!
It has been said that "music is the poetry of the air" and as a section leader of the largest marching band in Florida, making music with friends and peers, teaching music to others and leading musicians has shaped who I am. My experience with the "Sharks" Marching Band and the lessons I have learned from it inside and outside the classroom have been particularity meaningful to me. I have acquired strength, maturity, and character faster than I would have without band.
My instrument is the clarinet; I began playing in the sixth grade and since then I've worked my way up to the first chairs in wind ensemble. I was influenced to stick with it primarily by beautiful music and the pleasure I feel while making music, but also because I enjoy working together with others.
By the time I was a sophomore our band had received so much notoriety that we were asked to be the first high school band to perform as the Buccaneers and Miami Dolphins half-time show. We received this honor by working hard and together as a team. We do parades annually for Disney World and Islands of Adventure. Just last year we marched in the New York St. Patrick's Day Parade.
In my junior year I became the leader of my section and maintained that position for my senior year. After auditioning, I was chosen to be a part of the All-County Band for the last three years, and was chosen to be part of University of Miami's Honor Band for high school students. I have taught many students my music knowledge both in the band and privately . . .
The skill and discipline involved in making and performing music, (not to mention the physical strength for marching for hours in the Florida heat in wool uniforms) is but one type of strength I have acquired through marching band. Leading my section with fairness and toughness is strength of another type that I have acquired through band.
Being a section leader in a renowned marching band requires devotion. I must teach, correct, and discipline my peers dispassionately. Being section leader I must also display good character to be respected, and I have developed character through being a part of such a distinguished band program.
The appreciation of art and the ability to create art in the form of music has been and will continue to be part of my life, it's calming. I'm so happy to have found such a stress reliever that I can always count on.
It is not enough to be strong and creative without the strength of character, without traditions to ground you. Last year our band director was arrested for allegedly having relationship with a student, throwing our band into turmoil. What would band be without him? Would it fall apart? The band dedicated itself to the theme "A Time to be Proud." The new band director clearly saw that the band's traditions could carry it through the tough time. Sometimes the lesson of character, one of the most important lessons in life, is learned through adversity.
These experiences have given me an extraordinary opportunity to succeed in music, to teach, to enjoy the feeling of being part of a thing greater than oneself, to come through a difficult situation and succeed.
... "music is the poetry of the air. " andA s a section leader of the largest (...) teaching music to others, and leading musicians ...
... lessons I have learned from it both inside and outside the classroom ...
... my way up to the first chairs in wind ensemble. I was influenced to stick with it (something more positive than "stick with it") primarily by beautiful music ...
... I was a sophomore, our band had received so much notoriety(this word means ill-repute - I think you need a work like acclaimed) that we were asked to ...
After auditioning, I was chosen (selected would be a better word) to be a part of the ...
A broad suggestion would be to open up dictionary.com and go to their thesaurus. There are a few times when you could replace a word with a stronger one. Also, that site will help you replace words you have overused. I noticed you used 'acquired' a few times fairly close together. A quick search of that site, brings up tons of good replacement words. This attention to detail will help your thoughts come across more clearly so the panel can concentrate on your thoughts, not your words, if that makes sense.
good luck!
