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Describe the world you come from - UC essay - Indonesia


stevieg 2 / 3  
Nov 27, 2009   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"On December 26, a 9.0 magnitude earthquake struck off the Indonesian island of Sumatra." Having lived in Indonesia for over eleven years, I am accustomed to news broadcasts reporting the thousands left dead or missing from natural disasters. Indonesia is a poverty-stricken nation where natural disasters happen more often than national holidays. I have witnessed and have been directly affected by these phenomena. Heavy monsoons closed our school doors in numerous occasions and earthquakes led to the disjointing of families in Yogjakarta. I have learned to appreciate and be thankful for what I have.

I am from a family of golfers. My father boasts a professional golf license and my mother is regarded as one of the best women golfers in the community. I play golf with my parents every week and there I am well aware of the sense of poverty in my immediate environment.

Woosh! The ball soared into the sky and landed gracefully on the fairway as I grinned profusely and marveled at such a picturesque shot. As I strolled down the fairway, a little boy suddenly jumped out of the bushes, snatched the ball and ran away. I could not believe anyone would so blatantly steal a golf ball that costs less than a dollar.

"Stop! Come here you little monkey!" screamed a security guard nearby as he galloped ferociously and grabbed the little juvenile screeching for help.

"Let him go. I want to talk to him." I pleaded as I approached the lad and asked him why he tried to steal my golf ball.

"I have to find and sell golf balls because my father cannot support my family on his own," the lad stammered in his trembling squeaky voice. I just learned that something that I took for granted could be so valuable to another individual and that a mere five thousand rupiah could feed a local family for a day. I learned how fortunate my life has been considering that at such a young age I spent my time eating sumptuous food while a young boy squatted in thorny bushes waiting for a ball.

"Take it home and buy some rontong for your family." I handed the ball to the young lad as he beamed in ecstasy and thanked me numerous times.

While I strolled back to the clubhouse, I asked my father about his humanitarian efforts. He told me that he was a humanitarian entrepreneur and has always been grateful of everything that happened around him, including the local community in which he runs his garment industry. He sends sacks of rice and necessities to the town council every month in a show of gratitude. The little boy and my father inspired me to become a prosperous entrepreneur and pursue my own humanitarian causes.

Please comment on the essay in general and recommend me how can I improve the content and structure of this writing. Thanks!

Lampshade00 - / 2  
Nov 27, 2009   #2
I am accustomed to listening to the news that natural disasters have left thousands dead or missing.

-Awkward Structure. Try "I am accustomed to news broadcasts reporting the thousands left dead or missing from natural disasters."

Indonesia is a poverty-stricken nation where natural disasters happen more often than national holidays,and I have witnessed and suffered from these phenomena.
Great Statement. Change the apostrophe to a period to emphasize it's power. This will create two sentences. So "I have witnessed and have been directly affected by this phenomena." will be your second sentence.

I do not know how many times the school closed down due to heavy monsoon and how many times my maid had to quit her job in order to find her family affected by earthquakes in Yogjakarta.

-switch that to "Many times heavy monsoons closed our school doors."
-you have a maid? This is what thought when I read it and this is what the admissions officers will be thinking. It's more respectful to use a name. Be careful with that.

- maybe you could remove it and just leave

"There were many times that earthquakes led to the disjointing of families in Yogjakarta."

I have learned to appreciate and be thankful of what I have.

-Incorrect expression, we are thankful FOR things, not OF things.

I am from a golfing family where my father boasts a professional golf license and my mother is regarded as one of the best women golfers in the community. I play golf with my parents every week and there I sense the need of the poor more than anywhere I have been to.

-Insert period. I am from a family of golfers. My father...
-change tenses since your parents no longer live in India, assume and this happened already.
my father BOASTED and my mother WAS REGARDED

I play golf with my parents every week and there I sense the need of the poor more than anywhere I have been to.

-I used to play golf...
-insert period, remove "AND,"
-Introduce the story properly.

"It was there that I became aware of the sense of poverty in my immediate environment."

"Get that little monkey and bring him over!" I seethed in fury as I told my caddie and a security guard nearby to capture that little culprit. I could not believe anyone would so blatantly steal a golf ball that costs less than a dollar. I approached the little red-handed lad and asked him why did he spend all day long in the bushes and blatantly snatch the ball away.

-This is a RISKY section. You don't want the admissions committee to think that you are rich and arrogant. Calling the boy a monkey and having a caddie conveys this message. Try to find less vindictive words or you may give the wrong impression.

Anyway, there are a lot of grammatical errors here.

I approached the little red-handed lad and asked him why did he spend all day long in the bushes and blatantly snatch the ball away.

This needs to be reworded. Try:

-take out the bolded part. And change it to...

"I approached the ________ to ask him why he was trying to steal my golf ball."

I have to find and sell golf balls because my father alone cannot support the huge family.

-delete "have to"
-"because my father cannot support my family on his own.

I felt so ashamed that I have denied feed a family for a mere golf ball. I learned how fortunate my life has been considering that at such a young age I gobbled up a pan of pepperoni pizza while a young boy squatted in thorny bushes waiting for a ball. The epiphany moment taught me how little contributions mean so much to poor local Indonesian families.

The logic here is faulty. You were not ashamed for denying the boy the ball. He should be ashamed for trying to STEAL it. However, you were appalled that something you took for granted, a small golf, could be so valuable to another individual.

-You cannot say an "epiphany moment..." it's incorrect grammar usage.
Just change it to "At that moment, I realized that something small meant a lot to...

While I walked towards the green shell-shocked by the incident, my father revealed that heis a humanitarian entrepreneur. Having lived in Indonesia for decades, he told me that he has always been grateful of everything that happened around him, including the local community in which he runs his garment industry. He stated that he sends sacks of rice and necessities to the town council every month in a show of gratitude and he relishes listening to local residents thanking him and having such a amenable ties with the local community. His words together with what has transpired inspired me to become an entrepreneur of such a high status to repay not just to Indonesia but the world for all the thankfulness that I owe.

-change "is" to "was"
-also...why weren't you aware of your father's efforts? Maybe you should change that sentence to

"I asked my father about his humanitarian efforts."

"he relishes listening to local residents thanking him"
-this makes your dad seem pompous. Delete it.

His words together with what has transpired inspired me to become an entrepreneur of such a high status to repay not just to Indonesia but the world for all the thankfulness that I owe."

-okay, here's the fix.

-The little boy and my father inspired me to pursue my own humanitarian causes."
OP stevieg 2 / 3  
Nov 28, 2009   #3
Thank you so much for your comments.

This is the editted version:

READ ABOVE

Is this better? Is there any more changes that this essay needs?
nannna 3 / 14  
Nov 28, 2009   #4
oiyoooooooo. ini bagus !

chumang nya..

it seems as though your essay focuses a tinsy bit too much on the little boy and the "story." i like the story, but shorten it a bit, and talk more about yourself and your realization. extend on how that made the person you are
nogasa 14 / 37  
Nov 28, 2009   #5
Maybe discuss why and how your father impacted you more, and I agree with nannna, your essay does focus a bit too much on the story, maybe go deeper into how it affected you.

Check my essay?


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