Dear Essay Forum Moderators,
I know this might be another boring topic, but I would really, really appreciate if any input can be given. This essay is used for MIT's Essay B Option.
Prompt: Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? - 500 words or fewer
I was brought up with tough love. No begging for toys; no celebrations; scolded for the inability to count correctly and mistreated for laughable childish mistakes. All these can be illustrated as a harsh childhood. My world started from a family which constituted of a workaholic father who typically disciplines himself by keeping a rigorous routine and an astute yet overprotective mother who is quite meddlesome in terms of people's lives.
There are positive aspects to this style of upbringing; one of them is developing a phlegmatic persona that easily follows instructions. I was taught by my father the importance of saving money for the long run rather than wasting it on temporary materials. Due to financial limitations, I only own few collections of LegoŽ blocks, allowing myself to recycle the building blocks in order to make other designs. I never had the toys my friends had and I never talked about the games my friends played. I even had to negotiate for books. Thus, at an early age, I came to understand the difficulty of earning money and sensibly using it for daily necessities.
My whole world expanded when I entered Sekolah Pelita Harapan, a highly regarded Christian educational institute. Actually, I moved there because of asthma. I transferred from a less developed national school, whose environment seems to have stimulated an allergic reaction in me. Before entering Sekolah Pelita Harapan, I hear people saying that the school can be said to be an institute of the wealthy and thus, "spoiled" students. I saw the great differences in lifestyles as one student would conserve money carefully and another will unmindfully waste their money. While the women would accessorize through branded goods, the men (who are psychologically more interested in gadgets) exhibit some of the latest technologies, which of course are quite expensive. Due to my limited wealth, I could not afford these things, but they have really fascinated me - "How do these things work?"
My imaginative side can be credited to the numerous reconstruction of limited LegoŽ pieces contributing to my ability in mentally breaking things down into its basic essentials and see its potential, which then I use to consider improvements. This also led me to the hobby of disassembling objects and reconstructing it back. These items include remote controls, analog clocks, and simple household objects; the most recent are old Sony PlayStationŽ sticks. When I see something not working, I wonder, "What is the problem?" and "How can I fix this?"
My fascination expanded to cover more than just technological gadgets and mechanisms. I became fascinated by how social groups work, how the brain functions, how some people are able to swirl and twirl pencils with their fingers, how particular sicknesses can be cured, how the world revolves, how life works and even the desire to understand relationships among the sexes.
I am fascinated by the world to its microscopic point. Breaking things down, when I see cool (most likely new) gadgets, I wondered "How does it work?" and "Can I improve it?" If a classmate answered something subjectively different from mine, I wonder "How come he/she did not answer what I have in my head?" If a friend just broke up, I wondered, "How did they not match? What did they argue about?" I simply cannot resist challenges - especially those that do not have easy explanation.
It is approximately 80 words above the word limit and is wondering if anything can be discarded. My friends who have read this commented that the introduction is too exaggerating and others comment that the ending is not..."solid" like it doesn't really sum up the whole or even answer the question.
Please comment, and grammar corrections are very most welcomed. =)
Thank You for your time
Yes, i do think the begining is sort of elaborate for not being the main point of the essay.
You need to make better connection between how your childhood experiences influence you now, or just completely take away that part of the essay, since it does not show up anywhere else.
You should also make your examples stronger and your ending stronger as well.
This seems like a very good start for an MIT essay, but you need to make your points strong and concise if you have a word limit.
Take the central truth of the essay, as you understand it, and express that truth in the intro section. You will make the essay solid by usig the intro to introduce the main theme. Put this introduction (of the profoundly meaningful truth expressed by the essay) in place of this part:
All these can be illustrated as a harsh childhood. My world started from a family which constituted of a workaholic father who typically disciplines himself by keeping a rigorous routine and an astute yet overprotective mother who is quite meddlesome in terms of people's lives.
There are positive aspects to this style of upbringing; one of them is developing a phlegmatic persona that easily follows instructions. I was taught by my father the importance of saving money for the long run rather than wasting it on temporary materials. Due to financial limitations, I only own few collections of LegoŽ blocks, allowing myself to recycle the building blocks in order to make other designs. I never had the toys my friends had and I never talked about the games my friends played. I even had to negotiate for books. Thus, at an early age, I came to understand the difficulty of earning money and sensibly using it for daily necessities.
All this italicized content above is unnecessary. Replace it with a meaningful statement about the central theme. Then, repeat this truth in different words at the end.
:)
I hope that helps!!!!!!!!!!
