Hi,
I'm a International student and this is my general commonapp essay, what do you think about it?
I still don't have a title, any suggestions?
''Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
In our lives, we always try desperately to understand everything around us. Ironically, we never wonder about what makes us understand.
At the age of 8 , while watching a science cartoon, I stumbled , for the first time, in my greatest interest : the brain. The swift bright warm lights of the electrical impulses coming from the neurons, the thick neural net that intertwining was slowly falling down the cold depths of the mind and the fact that there were as many neurons as the stars of a galaxy made it fascinating. The gap between fascination and obsession was rapidly fulfilled by the statement :'' We only use the 10% percent of our brain''. At first, I was so pleasantly surprised by the assertion that questioning it was beyond dispute. After some time , I learned how the ''10%'' statement was more a urban legend then a scientific fact. This revelation didn't make me distance to my new obsession; in fact, by researching whether it was a urban legend or a scientific fact, I gained more and more interest in the human mind.
At the age of 14, I had to choose which High school to attend, in Italy , where I live, we have different kinds of High schools each of which has a specific study course. The classical High School, a type of school that focuses its lesson on Latin, Ancient Greek and humanistic subjects, was my choice; I thought that if I wanted to understand the human mind as widely as possible I had to start studying and understanding the mindsets of the dawn of human society such as : Socrates, Plato and Cicero. The speech Oratio in Catilinam of Cicero particularly aroused my interest . In the speech Cicero inveighs against Lucius Sergius Catilina , a man who wanted to overthrow the Roman government. The vivid emphasis , the involving delivery and the exemplar sense of justice of Cicero made the passage more than just compelling. This is when I understood that I wanted to become a lawyer just as Cicero. In junior year, I still wasn't sure if I wanted to dedicate my life's study course to psychology or law. However, studying Cicero made it all clear. He explains that to become a good lawyer one must first learn the art of rhetoric and understand how men think; I could undergraduate in psychology and then graduate in law.
I am proud to live in the continent that gave birth to Western culture. However, Europe is slowly dying and ''New worlds'' full of opportunities are quickly rising. I want to study in the U.S. because I believe in the pursuit of happiness and now that I have the opportunity of studying in a one of a kind place for your once a lifetime dream to come true I don't want to waist it.
As my mentor Cicero would say :
Nihil est magnum somnianti.
Nothing is extraordinary to a dreamer.
Thanks again,
Tom
Hey thanks for reading my essay! any suggestions on how I should change my intro paragraph though? I was trying to paint a picture first.
-"the thick neural net that intertwining was slowly f alling down the cold depths of the mind and the fact that there were as many neurons as the stars of a galaxy made it fascinating." Confused me a bit. Either change your tense or re word it.
- "This revelation didn't make me distance to my new obsession; By researching whether it was a urban legend or a scientific fact, I gained more and more interest in the human mind." After a semi colon, you have to start a new sentence.
-Make lessons plural
-Try to avoid so many semi colons.
-Make your entire essay a bit more detailed.
-"In my junior year,"
-"I could undergraduate in psychology and then graduate in law." Yeah, anyone could do this. Make it more you! I will major in psychology and then continue my education at ________ law school. Show them your future is planned.
-Really heart warming how you connected to Cicero.
-Hope you can come study in the U.S.! (:
