Dear EssayForum,
Could you please read my essay and then correct it. Also, please see if you can take something out since it has to be excatly 300 words.
Thank you!
Sincerely,
BNeziraj
A New Beginning
As a child, I always had big dreams about my future. Many of my dreams were highly correlated with poverty and how to fight it so my family and I could have our needs met. Education has always been my first priority because only education can help me have a better future for me and my family. As a child, I faced financial problems and never received any federal help. Poverty made me look life from different perspectives.
My dreams became even more powerful when my brother Jetmir 10, was diagnosed with Leukemia. Despite our financial crisis, we tried all we could, and even sought help from our significant others to save him. Due to the lack of equipment and resources in Kosovo, we were asked to take him outside of the country for treatment. Unable to collect the money needed, and with no help from local businesses and organizations as well as government, we could not save his life. He closed his eyes forever, leaving me with a big wound that will never heal. This also made me realize that I needed to become a doctor and study somewhere where I would be able to specialize in treating these angels who like my brother are going away from this world without realizing their dreams.
Determined to see me succeed, my family strived and sent me here, to the states with the hope that I would receive help from authorities. I continued my life in Oklahoma living with a host family and soon graduated high school among the top 5% students of the class. Then, with the help of my distant relatives I moved to NY. Since I cannot wait to firstly start as a nurse I enrolled at BMCC. Step by step, I'm getting educated to help others even though I'm still struggling financially. Reading that BMCC Foundation offers a scholarship to the students in need overjoyed me and I view this opportunity as the light that will never go out.
Poverty made me look life from different perspectives. -> I wonder whether this sentence is right... And also I wonder if I understood it.. You know, it sounds like you were looking for it, or something like this.. did you mean "Poverty forced me to look at life from different angles" ? or what?
to fight it -> fight with it, if i'm not mistaken
You have a lot of punctuation mistakes! there should be comma before words like "because","but", and so on
This also made me realize that I needed to become /sounds little bit strange/ a doctor and study somewhere where I would be able to specialize in treating these angels who like my brother are going away from this world without realizing their dreams.
to the states -> do u mean USA? i think it'd be better to write with Capital leter
Generally saying, your essay is OK , but IMHO you should rewrite it..
