how does this sound regarding to this question
i was only suppose to write one or two sentence describing a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time.
but instead i turned it into a paragraph
plz help revising and shortening the paragraph
gladly appreacitated
There was a day in my Geography class where we were doing a section about Africa and Mrs. Jorden told us that we would be learning how to play the type of African drums they used in there music. The next day Mrs. Jorden passed out different types of African drums to every two people in a group as well as handed us notes how to play that music.
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I think the first posting is a good answer, but it is tough to tell because it is one long run-on sentence. Break it up into smaller pieces and see how it works.
In regards to the second piece, how about this:
"There was a day in my GeographyNot a proper noun; shouldn't be capitalized. class whenA day is a "when" not a "where." we were doing a section about Africa and Mrs. Jorden told us that we would be learning how to play the type of African drums they used in their music. The next day Mrs. Jorden passed out different types of African drums to every two people in a group as well as handed us notesas to how to play that music. I was messing around with the drums free playing while Mrs. Jorden was handing out the papers to everyone else in the classroom and all of a sudden the class was quiet and I found everyone staring at me. T hen as I looked around everyone was quite listening to me free playing on the African drum. I started looking around as if I was not embarrassed but I could not prevent that as much I thought I was just afraid of talking in class in front of people but I was also shyThis is a confusing run-on. Please rework it. therefore I got so nervous that sweat was dripping down to my face. T hen I heard the words of wisdom from my Geography teacher saying that I had a talent for playing music and that it was OK to be nervous while playing music in front of the class.That was a tough time I have been supported throughThis is awkward; reword it. ."
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
is this ok!?!
Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class. I was not particularly interested in geography, moreover I did not know anyone. My teacher Mrs. Jorden changed my mind. In class I got hands on experience with African Drums.
add anything if it needs to be included
thx
Good evening :)
"Spring semester of my junior year (Remove comma) I enrolled in a geography class. I was not particularly interested in geography; moreover, I did not know anyone. My teacher, Mrs. Jorden, changed my mind. In class I got hands on experience with African d rums."
Much smoother!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
does this flow smooth along with the essay...
revise and cut out some stuff if not necessary...
thank you very much...
Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class.
...
Good morning :)
OK, let's see:
"Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class. I was not particularly interested in geography; I was afraid at first, but with time (Remove comma) I made new friends and adjusted to my new teacher. Mrs. Jorden changed my studies and learning experiences dramatically, even getting me interested in African drumming.
They helped me adjust to a new environment because they would help me in various ways to help me understand what was being lectured by the teacher.
oops this should be the whole thing i was writing about...
My teacher and friends helped me get over my fear by supporting and encouraging me throughout my junior year. They helped me adjust to a new environment because they would help me in various ways to help me understand what was being lectured by the teacher.
Good evening :)
OK, let's see:
They helped me adjust to a new environment by helping me in various ways to understand what was being lectured You could also use "said" here. by the teacher.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
im guessing this flows with the rest of the paragraphs do i need anything to close off the whole entire essay or thats good as it is!?!
this essay is good as it is or do i need an ending fer it!?!
Put it all together; what do you think of it? Do you think it needs more?
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
how can i make this shorter and describing a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time.
how can i delete some or if you can rephrase and make it shorter please
glady apprecitive
Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class. I was not particularly interested in geography; I was afraid at first, but with time I made new friends and adjusted to my new teacher. Mrs. Jorden changed my studies and learning experiences dramatically, even getting me interested in African drumming. Eventually, I overcame these difficulties with my persistence and determination. I never gave up my desire to learn and succeed; therefore, I realized that I would not have overcome these tough moments without the support of my teacher Mrs. Jorden and my classmates. My teacher and friends helped me get over my fear by supporting and encouraging me throughout my junior year. They helped me adjust to a new environment by helping me in various ways to understand what was being lectured by the teacher.
Well you can take out "My teacher and friends helped me get over my fear by supporting and encouraging me throughout my junior year." it was already stated earlier.
and you can add to "I realized that I would not have overcome these tough moments without the support [and encouragement] from my teacher Mrs. Jorden and my classmates."
i hope that helped..
i really need help please comment on mine:
This is well-written!
You can take this part:
Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class.[...] Eventually, I overcame these difficulties with my persistence and determination.
And replace it with one good sentence about your preconceived idea about geography... the way you had been intimidated by it, and why.
Here is some improvement:
I never gave up my desire to learn and succeed, but I also realized that I would not have overcome these tough moments without the support of my teacher, Mrs. Jorden and my classmates.
