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Describing Work activities in the essay for The University of British Columbia

Deen1911 1 / -  
Dec 8, 2020   #1

Describe up to five activities that you have pursued or accomplishment achieved in one or more of the following areas.

Please outline the nature of your responsibilities within these activities. 50 words per description.

Activity 1:
One thing that makes me reminiscent of high school is my Debate club. Debating has amplified my articulation power and by dint of it, I have procured prizes in competitions. Besides, the college authority elected me as one representative of the college debate team in many competitions, including Television Debates.

Activity 2:
Due to being a government employee my father was posted from cities to cities whereas my family along with I always stayed in Dhaka for better education. Being the eldest son I always had the responsibility to take care of the academic side of my younger brother and do the groceries to help out my mother.

Activity 3:
Being an assistant house leader, I was in charge of the junior group of my house. As a mentor, I looked after their academics, mental stability, and overall well being. As the head of the junior community, I took indispensable steps to corroborate a healthy atmosphere all around the year.

Activity 4:
The assiduity towards the stage led me to cultural activities. In my senior classes, I led two screenplays on two different topics in the Current Affair Display competition in consecutive years. College authority awarded my house as champion in the first year and accorded me "The Best Presenter" in the following year.

Activity 6-
I participated in different team games like Cricket, Basketball, and Volleyball competitions in High School. As much as these competitions have contributed to the development of my physique and mind, these have also taught me different aspects of sportsmanship- comradeship being the most important of all those factors.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,511 3437  
Dec 9, 2020   #2
You are wasting too much word count on the lead into the actual activity. You are spending too much time describing the activity rather than explaining your responsibilities within the activities. You can keep this more informative by using a proper outline form such as:

Activity 1:
Debate Club - The activity improved my speaking and reasoning abilities though participation in ... where I won...

Activity 2:
Sibling Responsibility - Being the sibling parent of my younger kin due to the work...

You have to focus on the accomplishment within these activities because the reviewer is looking for references to your multi-tasking abilities. You have to make sure that he understands you have the maturity and accomplishments that would qualify you as a college student and the sense of responsibility of an independent adult based on the various activities you have presented and discussed.
toodii2102 6 / 12 3  
Dec 16, 2020   #3
Hi! I think you should use stronger and more descriptive verbs such as "augment", "host", "manage", "led", "organize", "attract",... in order to show your proactiveness in what you've done. You should list the number to "quantified" your influence, such as the number of one event that you host, the number of your mentee in your group,...

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