Can someone help me revises these two paragraphs. I am not done yet, but there's supposed to be one more paragraph about my contributions to Rutgers University. Can you tell me if my second paragraph sounds awful because i'm getting paranoid looking at it ??? :(
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.
It was only about a year and a half ago, the summer before my junior year, that I finally discover a part of myself-my desire of becoming a doctor. Throughout my life, I have always struggled envisioning my future. It was always that nebulous darkness that shrouded my view as I try to imagine what my future holds. Desperately trying to enlighten myself, at the age of seventeen, I finally unmasked the secrets to my silhouette. Vaguely, I saw a committed person in lab coat that resembled me-dark hair, brown eyes, a slender figure that stood six feet tall-who is dedicated in saving the lives of many. At that moment, I just knew-as if a déjŕ vu had occurred- that this was it. This was the dream that I have long anticipated for seventeen years and no matter what, I am going to tightly grasp this dream and make it into a reality.
My ambitions have driven me to become a more successful student. Knowing the difficulties of getting into medical schools, I knew that I have to attend a university that will help unlock my potential as a premedical student. I am confident that attending Rutgers University will help me achieved my goals. Rutgers University has met all the criteria that I believed will help me become the person that I seek to be. The reason I want to attend Rutgers is because Rutgers is a highly ranked public university. Being a top tier school, I felt that it will provide me with sufficient knowledge to be ready for higher level of education. Plus, it is a public school. I do not want to be heavily in debt by the time I graduated. Furthermore, by going there, not only will I benefit from the vast amount of knowledge, but also, from the support of my relatives. My relatives live in New Jersey, and one of my cousins even attends Rutgers. Being a vibrant community, I know Rutgers will benefit me.
I don't know if this is everything, but here are the grammar corrections I found on my first read-through.
It was only about a year and a half ago, the summer before my junior year, that I finally discovered a part of myself-my desire to become a doctor. Throughout my life I have always struggled to envision my future. There was always a nebulous darkness that shrouded my view as I tried to imagine what my future holds. Desperately trying to enlighten myself, I finally unmasked the secrets to my silhouette. Vaguely, I saw a committed person in lab coat that resembled me-dark hair, brown eyes, a slender figure that stood six feet tall-dedicated in saving the lives of many. At that moment, I just knew-as if a déjŕ vu had occurred- that this was it. This was the dream that I had long anticipated for seventeen years and no matter what, I am going to tightly grasp it and make it into a reality.
My ambitions have driven me to become a more successful student. Knowing the difficulties of getting into medical schools, I know that I have to attend a university that will help unlock my potential as a pre-medical student. I am confident that attending Rutgers University will help me achieve my goals. Rutgers University has met all the criteria that I believe will help me become the person that I seek to be. The reason I want to attend Rutgers is because Rutgers is a highly ranked public university. Being a top tier school, I feel that it will provide me with sufficient knowledge to be ready for a higher level of education. Plus, it is a public school. I do not want to be heavily in debt by the time I graduate . Furthermore, by going there, not only will I benefit from the vast amount of knowledge, but also from the support of my relatives. My relatives live in New Jersey, and one of my cousins even attends Rutgers. Being a vibrant community, I know Rutgers will benefit me.
