This is my Admissions essay for Spelman its long I know they said 500-1000 words I just had to write 1,166. Someone help me cut it down and revise it! Im not sure which parts ramble toO much I feel that every thing ties together. Also is this essay college admissions material? Should I just scrap it? I give praise to the school in some parts buts thats my honest opinion of it. Im not sucking up. EDIT PLEASE!
PROMPT: Seeking knowledge and commitment to service are integral parts of the Spelman experience. Discuss and illustrate ways you have shown your commitment in these areas.
I have always had the desire to excel, but wasn't sure how. In 6th grade, I remember being in a library elective with fifteen other young black girls and we would have competitions reciting poetry from African American authors. Some of our favorites were Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, and strange enough, Erykah Badu. While we would recite these poems with as much expression that we could dream of, I realized that we didn't really know what the words meant. We liked the repetition of the words along with the similes and metaphors, but couldn't quite grasp the concept of them. I am proud to say that as a graduating senior in high school I understand those poems and have a deep love for Literature and knowledge as a whole.
I have always wanted to attend college; However, I had no idea where, how, or even why. I was born and raised in Birmingham, Alabama and I didn't have much motivation to go to college from my family in earlier years. My grandmother had got her G.E.D and while my mother graduated from high school, she chose to go to Job Corp. My father did however attend college on a full scholarship but he lost it and was forced to drop out. I had motivation from school counselors and such but at that point I didn't see the point of going to college being as my mother and father were upper middle class citizens. Nevertheless, over the years, I have learned that in order to lead a successful legacy in this day and age you have to attend college. At this point I had a reason to attend college but where and how was the new question.
Throughout my high school career, I can honestly say I had to work to get where I am today. I didn't start out making good grades. I've always had a desire to do well but in 8th grade I let my mind enter a deep depression. This was due to being obese and transferring from an all black to white school, Springville High School, in 9th grade. My grades were terrible and didn't begin to improve until the end of 10th grade. That is when I lost 60 pounds and forced myself to get involved with activities. It started with my church Guiding Light in Irondale, Alabama. I started volunteering with church events. This included: car washes, barbecues, fundraisers, etc. In my junior year I joined Key Club. This is an excellent program that focuses strictly on the betterment of your community. Throughout the year we do a number of activities together that count as community service. This includes cooking or bringing canned goods for homeless shelters, donating, and participating actively in schools functions. Every year we go to downtown Birmingham and help with Toys for Tots and we are required to do 5-10 hours of community service each semester. In my junior year I am proud to say that I completed 30 hours of volunteer work and hope to get another 40 my Senior year. I am also a member of S.A.D.D. We focus heavily on abstaining from drug use and other destructive decisions. We actively participate in Drug Free Week and we campaign a lot around prom season to prevent drinking and driving. I am also proud to say that I uphold the Secretary position for the 2010-2011 school year. Also for my senior class I was voted biggest bookworm due to being seen reading all the time. I did not win but I got second runner up.
Being at an all white school in a rural area helps you get more acquainted with the real world. I am proud to say that I have embraced a multicultural concept and have interests in the Latin American Culture and Japanese. I have even taken Spanish and take an advanced class in Spring 2011. I plan on becoming fluent within the next year. I am also a member of my schools Spanish club. Every year we have a statewide culture competition. We participate in debates in English and Spanish and other legs of competition. I also have a skill in acting. I took a Drama course for one semester and participated in the Semester play. This year I had an active part in the Senior Fall Semester play. I am also apart of a mentoring program called Ladies in Waiting in Birmingham. This consists of meetings being held on every other Tuesday and Thursday and I mentor young girls (mostly black) on self image. I feel empowered when I talk to little girls who remind me of me. I coach them on things they may encounter in high school and tell them the awkward phase should pass around the end of 9th grade. Being acquainted with different cultures in the world proves to be a great advantage. But I would like to attend a HBCU to get more acquainted with my own because I've never had the proper chance even when I was at a city school.
Spelman had always been lingering in the foreshadows of my mind. I've heard references to it in everyday conversation and heard it on TV and movies. In 8th grade I decided to research the school. As soon as I found out it was an all girls school I disregarded it. How ignorant of me to ignore the fact that it holds the position as the top HBCU and has multiple notable alumni. I didn't consider Spelman until my Sophomore year. I was doing a research paper on John D. Rockefeller (who I admire and studied in earlier years) and found out he played a big hand in creating the school and when I researched the school again it hit me as the perfect place to get a degree. In November 2010 I got the opportunity to attend Spelman. I was honestly impressed. The campus was absolutely beautiful and I got more insight on the history behind Spelman. This is when I decided to officially apply.
I had my doubts about applying to Spelman but I noticed that the Admissions council is looking for a well rounded student and there isn't a necessary GPA requirement. While my grades may not reflect that of a honor student my test scores and activities will prove just as good. I have shown definite improvement throughout my high school career each year and it would be a grand honor to become a "Spelmanite". Earlier in my essay I mentioned how I wasn't encourage to go to college. Looking back at that I realized that they didn't have to. I am my own motivation and I'm the only person who knows what I want. The drive to do better than my mother and grandmother is enough drive to want to pursue my career as a lawyer. This is what growth and seeking knowledge is all about. Going against the concentration gradient and creating a new legacy is my goal.
This doesn't necessarily follow the prompt. Instead, it seems like you just listed a lot of things that you have done. Also, I think that you should get rid of the part where you are talking about Spelman. The prompt did not ask for you to tell them why you are applying, so you shouldn't include that. This essay should be more about your commitment to learning and service and what these things mean to you, not a list. A lot of the things that you said here can probably be seen on the rest of your application. In the essay, you want to let them know things that they otherwise wouldn't know about, but at the same time you want to answer the prompt. Following the prompt shows that you can follow instructions. This goes for word count also.
SUP, im applying too. first of all goodluck, and i think you need to spread it out a lot. i see a lot of runnon sentences and without commas. i think you should put your thoughts together a bit more. it's kinda all over the placE???
