Desire to pursue a career in medicine; Johns Hopkins/ Common App

Can anyone give me an opinion on this short response. I could use some positive feedback. Thank you!

Bad writer in need of help please :)

A. NYU's global network provides students with hundreds of academic areas of interest for students to cultivate their intellectual curiosity and to help achieve their career goals. Whether you are entirely undecided about your academic plans or you have a definitive program of study in mind, what are your own academic interests? Feel free to share any thoughts on any particular programs or how you might explore those interests at NYU on any of our campuses. 1500 Characters

As a younger child living in rural Haiti all my scientific experiments consisted of observing small animals, such as dogs and bugs. It was not until I was in middle school that I began medical operations, such as bandaging people's injuries and attending CPR classes at Memorial Regional Hospital. My passion for biology, and science in general, began to thrive with the guidance of my mother, a middle school science teacher, and my father, who is an electrical engineer. While attending high school, I have frequently participated in many activities involving science, especially biology. I am a part of the National Honors Society, Environmental Club, and SECME a science engineering club. I volunteer at Memorial Hospital Miramar where I interact with the patients, clean their rooms, and help anyone that needs my assistants. For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to become a physician and help people. Also, living in a country where the hospitals are few and mediocre, and where few people are passionate about scientific makes me more aware importance of science. Hopefully, pursuing an education at NYU, and participating in some of the programs involving medicine, will enable me to reach my full potential in the science field and will ignite a greater desire in me to become a well distinguished individual.

if you don't want to use commas, just switch this around to "a science engineering club SECME". otherwise you need a comma after SECME. but i'm not even you need this sentence


because it sounds like you're just listing activities without telling what they have contributed to your interest in biology.
assistants. should be assistance, aware of the importance of science
scientific should be just science
elaboration on "some of the programs in medicine" at NYU is definitely needed. you need to sound like you really wanna go and have done your research/

thank you for taking a look at my princeton supplement! do you maybe wanna look at my kpop essay too? hehe

Thank you, huh it's almost one in the morning and I'm not really into what I'm doing right now lol, and yes I will :)

nairbear has said most of the stuffs that need to be revised. I only wanna add that your last sentence is quite weak.
Hopefully,P ursuing an education at NYU, and participating in some of the programs involving medicine, will enable me to I will reach my full potential in the science field and will ignite a greater desire in me myself to become a well distinguished individual.

Thank you for your instructive criticism!

I really like the overall essay and idea, because not everyone has been able to experience the same experiences that you have, and that will make your application stand out. However, I think you try to add too many ideas in too short of a space, and because of that, it makes it difficult for you to synthesize your ideas. The first and second sentence for example, do not flow well. You jump from one large, interesting idea to another large, interesting idea, and that makes your story difficult to follow. From the second to third paragraph, there also seems to be a disjoint. For all of the time you spend discussing your experiences in depth, you spend very little space summarizing and discussing why attending Johns is a vital piece of continuing your journey in biology.

Hope that helped and good luck!