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"determination" - your favorite word an why?


ivygirl22 2 / 12  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
I HAVE TO TURN THIS IN BY DEC 29TH MIDNIGHT BECAUSE I WONT HAVE TIME AFTER THAT!!!

PLEASE HELP ME IMPROVE THIS!!!

PROMPT: what is your favorite word and why

My heart pounded with anxiety and excitement as I approached to the stage to accept my award for the first place essay. All year, my teachers had alluded to this essay and I was determined to be that student from the entire grade to win this award in front of everyone. As the deadline approached, I continued to work harder and polish my essay as much as I could. This, however, was only because of determination - my favorite word. From that day on, I strongly believe that it is through determination that a person can achieve their goal. Whether I was determined to write an essay, beat a friend while playing chess, or even determined to experience something new. Determination allows individuals like me to persevere in order to achieve what they desire.

lullabywave 5 / 14  
Dec 31, 2010   #2
My heart pounded with anxiety and excitement as I approached to the stage to accept ...

From that day on, I strongly believed that it is through determination that a person can achieve their goal. Whether I was determined to write an essay, beat a friend while playing chess, or even determined to experience something new. Determination allows individuals like me to ...

I advise you you to make clear the main idea at the beginning, otherwise the reader has to guess at what you're trying to say until the end.
lollipops4all 2 / 3  
Dec 31, 2010   #3
My heart pounded with anxiety and excitement as I approached (delete to) the stage to accept my award for the first place essay. All year, my teachers had alluded to this essay and I was determined to be that student from the entire grade to win this award in front of everyone.(maybe consider rephrase, a little awkward)

The idea is good, but consider stating your favorite word earlier in the essay and write more about how your determination helped you win the award instead of how much you want to win it.
kaweun 2 / 3  
Dec 31, 2010   #4
I think the first sentence can be improved a bit more to make it grab one's attention, rather than just stating the word blatantly. You used determination too many times in your essay. You should include what you think being determined means.

Good Luck!
prince_johri 3 / 14  
Dec 31, 2010   #5
HOW IS THIS NOW!?

Determination has defined my life. A few years ago when hard work and a desire to win paid off, I discovered it is determination that led me to success. As I approached the stage to receive my award in writing, my heart pounded with anxiety and excitement. All year, my teachers had alluded to this essay and I was eager to be the student from the entire grade to gain this award. I desired to accept it in front of all my friends and family members. As the deadline approached, I continued to work harder and polish my essay as much as I could. From that day on, I strongly believed in my aspirations. To me, determination allows an individual to be goal orientated and strive for their ambitions. Whether through writing an essay or even defeating a friend while playing a game like chess, I believe it is through determination through which an individual desires success. It allows individuals like me to persevere in order to successfully reach my ambitions.
xelaint 3 / 9  
Dec 31, 2010   #6
A few years ago when hard work and a desire to win paid off

This sounded confusing to me, but maybe it's just me.

All year, my teachers had alluded to this essay, and I was eager to be the student from the entire grade to gain this award.


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