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"Determination can help you achieve everything." - Describe the world you come from


shiric 1 / 3  
Sep 17, 2010   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

"Determination can help you achieve everything." This is the philosophy that my father have been trying to teach me. All the achievements and happy life my parents get today are the results of their extraordinary efforts. The life experience of my father has encouraged me to be persistent and has fostered my sense of responsibility for my family.

My father came from a landlord family which had fallen into decay. Life was even harder when my father was young, because landlords were oppressed by the government as the enemy of the country. Famines and poverty were everywhere. There were no public transportation and my father can't afford a bike, so he had to walk for 10 miles everyday to go to primary school, which had no teacher had finished secondary school. Besides, at that time, most countrymen undervalue the importance of study and the chance to get into colleges was only about 1 percent. On that basis even my grandfather couldn't imagine that my father would be a scholar in the future.

But nothing is impossible. As the oldest son in the family, he expected to improve the life of the family and bring honors to it. Although facing various challenges, my father didn't give in: he manage all the knowledges he learned at class and seized every chance he got to expand his knowledge. All the obstacles on his way to success was crushed by his determination. The result was that my father became the only college student in his town and he had the ability and chance to make a change for the family.

In the summer break of 10th grade, I went to the hometown with my father. My father was popular at hometown, because as the first college student in the village, he was the proud of the community. Again and again, I was moved by the ambition and persistence of my father after learning the difficulty he had to become a college student from the stories told by the old people. Then my father took me to the grave of my grandfather and great-grandfather, which is beside a enormous field covered by rice and vegetables. "All the fields you can see now were belonged to our family." my father said to me. Although now we own none of these places, I could still felt the proud in his voice. His love of his family and the ambition to rejuvenate it touched me deeply. At that time, I found the origin of his strength to overcome so many challenges in his life. Standing at the grave, I swore to myself to continue the dream of my father.
aname 2 / 6  
Sep 17, 2010   #2
the essay is about YOU not your father. you need to show how the experiences of your father affected you and the decisions you made.

The start is great, I like how you provide the one value by which you live. Then you can put one sentence but one sentence only about the up-bringing of your father and how his experiences lead him to instil strong values in his children.

The second paragraph should elaborate on how YOU used those values to make important decisions in your life. Maybe discuss how it allowed you to study harder, or maybe be an accomplished athlete. Talk about your relationship to those around you, how you felt the need to help people, etc.

You seem like a very geniune caring person, show that.
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 17, 2010   #3
This is the philosophy that my father have has been trying to teach me.

There are some other sentences like the one above throughout the essay as well. The word "has" needs to replace the word "have." But, that is not the most important issue with respect to the essay. I happen to agree with Ana from the above critique. You need to concentrate on you when you write this essay, not so much your father. While you write well, it does not capture the essence of the prompt.

You are a caring person -- that comes through in the essay, as Ana has suggested. Now, just show that, but in describing you, not so much your father.

Mark
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 19, 2010   #4
the essay is about YOU not your father.

I see the wisdom of this, but obviously the father makes a great theme. It is not necessary to say less about the father, but maybe you should say more about you.

This is the philosophy that my father have has been trying to teach me.
Oops, I see that Mark corrected this already...

...of responsibility for my family.---right after this, add another sentence about you and how your history will affect your future.

he managed all the knowledge he learned at class and seized every chance he got to expand his knowledge.

In the summer break of 10th grade, I went to my father's hometown with him.

My father was popular at in his hometown, because as the first college student in the village, he was the proud of the community.

...could still feel the pride in his voice.
Ah! The ending is awesome! You made it very powerful. This essay has some real value, because it makes me (as the reader) have a deep experience of reflection.


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