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Determination - UC essay prompt #2 I am in the lost of words

megazeroxuxm 2 / 2  
Nov 20, 2010   #1
I am in the lost of words and currently do not know how to end this essay with a bang, I am in a loop that will keep going and going and I couldn't end it. Please provide some feedback and how I could end this essay. My theme is determination, persistence, never giving up. Thank you.

When I first came to America, I was administered into my first school after 2 weeks. I soon found out that there were no one else that was an immigrant like myself. The students in the school soon found that it was extremely easy to pick on me since I could not have told on them because I couldn't speak English. I was ready to quit school then and there because I couldn't handle all of the horrible things that the other students have done to me. But my dad told me that I have to be strong, I have to be persistence, and that I could not give up. Knowing my dad had tried his best, and given everything he had, given up his life and dreams to come to America in hope that I could create and live a better life than he ever could, I was determined to endure the hardship that was bestowed upon me to make my dad proud.. Every time I was bullied or have my backpack stolen and hidden, or have my cloths stuffed down the toilet, I reminded myself that if I ever were to give up, my dad's sacrifices would be wasted.

Being persistence at school against bully have become a habit, later when I met one of my best friends, I was introduced to computers, and what a computer can truly perform, and I was extremely fascinated with it and finally got sucked into it. I started to tinker with computer parts at my uncle's house and later build my own computer. I then become the computer guru of the house and usually is the one that does all the research about computers and fixing of computer problems. Computer problems usually is very tedious to fix; I would usually have to spend hours and hours to find a "potential" solution. Sometimes it does stress my patient, but I would never stop until I have found a solution.

When I became "insanely" interested in guitar and decided to start learning how to play, I had no teacher and I had to learn everything by myself. I've always had the philosophy of "learn it once, learn it right," and since I was concerned about "breaking" my hands after reading about how holding the guitar and pressing the strings incorrectly will result in destroying the finger techniques and will potentially make me incapable of ever getting good at playing guitar, I had to do a lot of research and watch many tutorials for guitar beginners on Youtube. Even though I had a very busy schedule I would still save half an hour to practice everyday. Finally, after one year I was able to play the guitar fairly well with a somewhat large song list, and now, more than 3 years later, I have been a member of a band, and have covered many songs and solos. Even though the band split up, I have continued playing guitar and have written and recorded many personal songs.

bennyburns - / 6  
Nov 23, 2010   #2
How about something along the lines of: 'and although you were scholarly and measured in learning the guitar, you're going to play life by ear.'

The wording needs work, but it's an idea (albeit a bit of a banal one).

another idea: something about ending on a high note.
ilmeari 2 / 3  
Nov 23, 2010   #3
^I like that idea.

Try to tie playing the guitar back to your character- what you've learned from it about persistence and how that has shaped you as a person. Show more of yourself, not necessarily what you've done. Since you talked about getting bullied in your previous paragraphs, maybe talk about how playing the guitar has helped you get past that or taught you to never give up despite that. Something along those lines. Other than that, good essay!

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