This is what i've got so far, please go through this and make corrections where needed
DETERMINATION & SUCCESS
Some call it stubbornness but I call it determination.
Everyone is driven by his or her own determination to succeed, such as the determination to be outstanding among others. This determination is an innate quality hidden in our soul, which can only come to surface when an event irks it. This quality is not divinely imprinted on our souls; rather it is a reflection of our values taught us by society and those who are an integral part in forming our character.
Making reference to a Novel; Congo by Micheal Crichton which shows the determination portrayed by several two characters of which are Karen Ross and Peter Elliot.
Karen Ross, a twenty four year old girl, was driven by her determination to go to Congo in search of the IIb diamonds. However she wasn't allowed by Travis and when the other team sent out on the expedition were brutally killed by some unknown creature. Her determination was triggered to the surface and this determination was what made her outstanding among the others in the team sent out on the second expedition. She faced so many challenges with her team but she never gave up. Recalling an event when the Mukenko volcano was about to erupt; she was warned to leave the site with her team but she refused to leave because she was determined to get the type IIb diamond.
This determination is also reflected in Peter Eliot who works with a Gorrila Amy, when Amy started having nightmares and drawing moon like crescent shape which is similar to that of an ancient brittle page of a Portuguese print dating as far back to 1642(a drawing of the Lost city of Zinj); he was determined to get through the misery of Amy's painting.
These determinations portrayed by these two characters is defined by their success and the journeys they both embarked upon to effectuate their goals.
Determination was a trait that got them through the battles, the late nights attacks from the Gray Gorrilas , the dangerous effect of the volcanic eruption , it was a trait that undeniably led them to their survival.
They both look toward a seemingly dangerous personal goal but they triumph over adversity, these characters evolve and emerge with a degree of accomplishment.
To achieve the goals and dreams that these two young role models held- that everyone holds including myself, determination was the key to fufill them.
Applying to College this year seems like a dangerous personal goal, facing so many challenges both from my father and financially. All these challenges were just a blessing in disguise, because it only made my determination stronger acting as a stepping stone .
I am most recently confronted by this determination when Father told me not to apply to colleges this year.Embedded in my mind is that Success comes from determination, so I must apply to college this year to reveal what I want to accomplish and not just a college but a place where people determination to excel is cherished and honoured. I have also had the dictum "determination is the key" pounded in my head by my mother, which is what drives me so hard to be successful just like her.
Everyone is driven by his or her own determination to succeed,such as the determination to be outstanding among others.T his determination is an innate quality hidden in our soul, which can only come to surface when an event irks it(delete extra space before comma )
Making reference to a Novel; Congo by Micheal Crichton which shows the determination portrayed by severalcharacters, two of which are Karen Ross and Peter Elliot.
Karen Ross, a twenty four year old girl, was driven by her determination to go to Congo in search of the IIb diamonds. However she wasn't allowed by Travisand when the other team sent out on the expedition (they?) were killed brutally (change to brutally killed) by some unknown creature. H er determination was triggered to ...
Recalling an event when the Mukenko volcano was about to erupt; she was warned to leave the site with her teambut she refused to leave because she was determined to get the type IIb diamond.
Great essay and focus. The main this is, most of the essay is about those two characters but the essay needs to be more about you. As you talk about the characters, incorporate more of yourself. I'm not sure if you are over the word limit or anything, but if you can, talk about those connections with yourself and those characters. And if you are over the word limit, I would take out some details about the characters and focus on their influence on you. :)
And if you have time, I'd love to hear your feedback on my common app essay. :)
thanks u guys that really helped
Do u have any suggestions on the title suitable for this essay ,
Kim what is the title of ur essay :)
hey guys i've made some amendments, any further amendments is welcomed
When reading the essay, I found myself skimming over the description of the book because it wasn't very compelling. But then when the focus returned to you, I just wanted more.
What prompt are you answering? I suggest you focus on your own determination and eliminate most or all references to the book. Your last 1.5 paragraphs create many questions in my mind and I would love to hear the answers and more details about how YOU have shown determination besides just applying to college.
Why is applying to college a dangerous personal goal?
What challenges are you facing? That would be extremely important for admissions officers to know.
Why did your father tell you not to apply this year?
Your mom sounds very special and has increased your determination. Why?
Your first reflection paragraph is nice and maybe would work better after you pull your readers into your own personal story.
I think you have a very interesting story to tell. Please tell it so the college can learn more about you. Good luck!
thanks, i'm going to work on that but i'm having a problem on the choice of topic, so maybe i should put the two essays up i've got so far