can i get help review this essay is it good do i need to add something please help!
Dear Admissions Directors,
My name is +++++ and I have recently been informed that my application for the fall 2013 was not approved. I'm writing this appeal letter because I would like you to reconsider this decision and give me the opportunity to attend this university. I made some mistakes when it came to my studies and I struggled with classes and finding out which ones were right for me, but I've learned from those mistakes and I'm ready to move forward. Now that I am on the right track I would love the opportunity to attend Oregon State University. I'm a very determined person and I don't want to let two year of mishaps define my whole college career. I did not meet Oregon State University admission because of my grade point average. I was having several problems during my freshman year and sophomore year, where I made most of my mistakes; which caused my GPA to drop down very low. I would go to school and after that would go to my job and finish late which caused me to sometimes not do my homework. Also a huge part that caused me more stress was that we were having family problems at my house. At school everything seemed to be normal except the fact that my grades were dropping. I never told anybody about why my grades were dropping what were some of the reasons, I was afraid I didn't want anybody to know that we were having money and family problems. The family problem that we were having was that my mom and father if that's what you call some who gave you live, but was never there for you. Were that they were fighting for custody for my sister and me, he was also trying to take away the house that we lived in. the thought of not having a house and my mom going to court and paying for attorneys made my sister and me very stress. The thought of my dad winning custody over me and my sister made me mad. It also brought the thought of us not going to school anymore and having to work in the orchards for the rest of our life's, because that what he had done to my older sibling. He thought that school didn't teach anything and that they didn't have any future after high school. None of my other sibling finished high school or graduate because of him making them work. Those thought made me loose focused in school work and more in helping my mother. It also brought bad memories of my child hood in Mexico, when there was a lot of abuse from him to my mother, myself and my siblings. That caused us to take some classes to forget all the abuse we had suffer from him, but those memories will always be in my head. When they were fighting for custody all those memories that I was trying to forget came back and were bother me threw out each day, not knowing what was going to happen to us. Not telling anybody made it worst, that made huge impact in school because I was not paying attention and not doing my homework, because I would be stressed out when everyone thought I was ok. I have chosen Oregon State University because every time I have visited I have felt at home. I've visited Oregon State University 3 times, each time I was there people were great, friendly and enthusiastic to be there. Also because it's a great school of business which I want to major in and I want Oregon state university to be where I graduate with a master in business. The education goals I have set up are to attend Oregon State University and get a degree in business. I see myself working in the business industry after graduating, making my family proud and knowing that I achieved that goal. One of my biggest strengths is my communication skills. I work very well with all kinds of people, and understand that everyone has different perspectives about projects and work tasks. I am a quick learner. I have great problem-solving skills and am willing to learn new things to get the job done. I have ability to cope with failures and try to learn from my mistakes. My strength is my flexibility to handle change. As customer service manager at my job, I was able to turn around a negative working environment and develop a very supportive team. During the last days of my junior year, I started to look for a job, and that's when I got hired by Wal-Mart. After working for six months as a cashier, I got called in to the office and offered the job as Customer Service Manager. After working only for 6 months, they saw that I was a responsible, hard worker, and I was a great leader. Senior year came and I had to cut down my hours and that was going to affect my job as Customer Service Manager, but I decided to keep working those 24-36 hours each week. Being a full-time student and also having a job has made me be more mature and I have had more experiences that will help me in the future. I have been successful in school and also in my job, even if both gave me a lot of stress, I have handled it and I think I handled anything in college. Also, I addition to working many hours and going to school, I still make time to give back to the community. I volunteer at the Senior Center every Monday, and Thursdays I volunteer at the local Food Bank. Fridays, I volunteer at the Western Antique Airplane and Automobile Museum for 2-4 hours each week. I also have made huge changes in my life and I want others to know about it. I have gone to the Middle School in Hood River and talked to the 8th grade reading class about not messing up in high school. I've encouraged them To focus on their learning, to learn from my mistakes and what I'm doing to try and make my dreams of going to college true. I want them to know that you need to take high school seriously, that if they don't, they will regret it in the future. I think that being a full time student and working almost full time and having time to still volunteer has made me a successful student. I understand that only a small percentage of appeals are made but I feel like I can contribute to this university as much as it can contribute to me. I adore Oregon State and would be so proud to call myself a Beaver, I respect your decision to deny me admission, but I do hope you will reopen my file and reconsider your choice. Words cannot describe how much it would mean to me to be accepted this fall. Thank you for taking the time to read my appeal letter and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
prom:A personal statement requesting special consideration. Your statement must specifically address the extraordinary circumstances why you did not meet OSU's admissions requirements and why you believe you should be admitted as an exception to the regular admissions requirements. Also address what you have done or are doing to mitigate the impact of your extraordinary circumstances, what are your strengths, why you have chosen OSU, your academic and/or career goals, how you feel you have prepared for those goals, and any other information that you feel would help the committee to understand your unique situation and explain your special circumstances.
I'm writing this appeal letter because I would like you to reconsider this decision and give me the opportunity to attend this university
I am making this appeal to in hope that you would reconsider your decision and give me the opportunity to attend your prestigious university.I made some mistakes when it came to my studies and I struggled with classes and finding out which ones were right for me, but I've learned from those mistakes and I'm ready to move forward. Now that I am on the right track I would love the opportunity to attend Oregon State University.
.... take this to a new paragraph.... You have everything written in one bunch and no separate paragraphs. You need to carefully divide the paras , otherwise it looks too crowded and untidy. Those guys won't read it if it is not nicely presented :)
Also, I would advise you not to start with your mistakes. Tell them the reason first and then tell how it affected your academic performance or wrong decision. You need to have lots of feelings and emotions here to grab their attention and also to influence them reversing their decision.
