Hello this is my first time using this forum but it looks like there are some awesome people on here willing to help. Scholars day for Wayne State University is coming up and I have to write in essay to submit. This is the prompt:
Detroit is a city filled with challenges. Tell us what role you see for yourself in addressing a challenge facing our great city. (250 max)
I did not understand the prompt very well when i first read it, but I answered it as well as I could. So please let me know what you guys think and what I can change about it :)
Detroit; a city filled with ambition, love, and hope, but like other cities faces some very important challenges. If more people would open their eyes to the problems taking place in this city, then solutions could possibly be made quicker. All the challenges facing this community are important, but the problem that I believe is of superior importance is urban youth. This problem that Detroit is facing, has been affecting its children and students for a long time, and if not resolved could potentially cause greater problems.
The high school graduation rate is exceptionally low, compared to other cities and the main reason for this problem in Detroit is the high juvenile crime arrest. This city has a very high percentage of violence among teens especially. How are teens going to learn, and get a well-rounded education if they are around constant violence? If there is no education in this city, then there will be unemployment. Children need to be raised in a safe environment, in which they are learning the right ways of life and not growing up around such violence. I believe that if a child is raised around a bad environment, then they will become influenced and soon begin to act what they have seen.
Adults need to act as role models for these students and lead them to the right ways in life. Violence should be eliminated from this community, in order for this youth to get a education and help their city grow and prosper.
This is a good essay it it was simply to identify what is wrong with Detroit but you have not adequaetely talked about your role in adressing the problem you identified.
Here are some thing I thought you should change.
Detroit is a city filled with ambition, love, and hope, but like other cities faces some very important challenges.
Detroit; a city who known to the rest of the worl as Motown is a place filled with ambition, love, and hope but faces challeneges as a city that few can claim. People living in Detroit are proud of their city but realize that it has become a very challenging place to live in and have tried and will try to change it for the better, a fight I plan to join.