Hello everyone! So,I was planning on writing an essay describing what I love about cancer research, and instead I wrote...well, this. I'm not exactly sure where to go on this one, I'm stuck. I still want to insert why I'm interested in cancer research, but I'm having trouble where to insert it and how to conclude. I was also thinking of instead talking about how I wasn't as interested in research prior to this experience, but I'm not sure where to put that either. Anyway, if any of you could read this and tell me what you think of it so far, if you find it interesting or anything, please let me know! It would be much appreciated! Thanks! :)
In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about.
I sat in a waiting room, quietly observing my surroundings. A girl about my age sat across from me; a bandana on her head and a mask covering the lower half of her face. I wondered if I too would be wearing such things, but quickly shook off the question, not wanting to address it. I turned my gaze to a boy sitting on the floor; a truck in one hand and a large lego piece in the other. He was smiling, seeming blissfully unaware of where he was. A baby sat on his mother's lap; an IV cord running from beneath his clothing to a drip stand nearby. I was terrified, but satisfied in knowing I was not alone.
Suddenly, a nurse came out with a clipboard in hand, cheerfully calling out a name on her list. The boy, who was smiling not too long ago, was now in tears. I watched as he ran to his mother for comfort.
"Mommy, I don't wanna go! I don't wanna get hurt again!" he sobbed.
His mother spoke to him, soothingly patting him on the back. But it was no good, her son was still miserable.
It was then that I realized I didn't want any of them to be here; not the girl, the boy, or the baby. None of them should have to go through such pain and misery. None of them should experience such incredible fear. None of them deserved cancer; no one did. I realized then that I would much rather sit in the waiting room by myself; I could not stand to see them suffer.
My interest in cancer research was not the result of just my experience with cancer, but the experience of others as well. After watching similar episodes in the waiting room and observing the sad expressions of many young cancer patients, I knew I wanted to help.
i like your essay but I think that you should elaborate on how you can help. What will you do to help those who are suffering?
Honestly, it looks really good! I really like the vivid picture you create in your essay, but I think that you should elaborate slightly less on the way the scene plays out (you could probably condense it) and more about your reaction. Though not wanting to see others hurt by cancer is a noble reason to want to get involved in cancer research (this sounds awful) but you need to sell it more - what have you done so far? why isn't your own experience enough? can you mention any specific people? I think that it would be a little bit more vivid (only if you actually had this experience) if you could talk about one person you knew more personally who was also going through cancer treatment. Hope this helps!
I really like your essay!
It was then that I realized I didn't want any of them to be here; not the girl, the boy, or the baby.
Remember that on either side of a semi-colon belongs a sentence. Thus, "not the girl, the boy, or the baby" is not really a sentence. I'm not sure if you're just being creative here, but grammatically speaking you are incorrect.
Other than that, there is really nothing I'd change. Just remember not to change too much because you want to keep the sensitive, personal appeal of your essay.
Mind going over my feminist essay?
I think your "ah ha" moment is kind of short in comparison to all the detail. I like that you emphasized other people's suffering as your inspiration; you come off as selfless and genuine.
Thanks everyone! This really helps!!!
So does this mean that it's not necessary to talk about what it is I love about cancer research itself, but more as to why I'm so motivated about it?
I just want to make sure I'm understanding all of this, haha. :)
This is a really good essay and I feel like I'm you when I'm reading it! Good job!
But to answer your question, you don't need to write about why you're so motivated about it because we already felt the emotions that got to you when you discovered the intensity of cancer.
What you need to add is how you plan on helping and what cancer makes you want to do in return rather than why it had an affect on you. What came out of seeing this? Feeling this? What do you want to do now? How can you help? Are you going to cure the disease or aid the people? What has cancer led you to do? Study it? Nurse those who are suffering?
It's a strong beginning that paints the picture of the emotions you feel very well, but it is an abrupt ending that leaves the reader annoyed that you did not finish your enticing story rather than amazed with you, which you have the potential to do!
So yeah, just add the main missing component of this essay and then it will be gold!
Regarding the grammar content, I think it's pretty good but I would ask an English teacher if the "wanna" in the dialogue is acceptable. Be personal but try to avoid slang.
I wish you the very very best of luck! I hope you get in! :)
Check out my BU supplement essay and let me know what you think!
I like your essay overall, it has good impact. I think what you're looking for is to talk about how before cancer was just your battle (as kids usually think about themselves), but watching others suffer as you did, inspired you to do cancer research
Nice job, you definitely have a really nice theme going for you with a strong impact. However, i think you should elaborate a little more on your story, or exactly HOW you've been influenced by others. Also, like a few other people suggested you should highlight how you hope to pursue your interests and how you wish to be proactive and help others. Shorten up you introduction/background writing - it paints a really vivid picture with lots of imagery which is nice, but you need more room to elaborate on the really important things about YOU! (: Maybe cut out some of the dialogue?
Overall, great job!
Haha sorry if this is annoying...but could someone please look at my essay as well? I'm leaving for a trip later on today and I would like to submit before I leave! D: It would be much appreciated, thanks!
Good one (:
Maybe you could consider deleting the first sentence? it sounds a little redundant to me.
Also, please watch your usage on the amount of I's you use (:
other than that your point and reason for having interesting in cancer research is touching (:
best of luck!
Great job！Just write by your heart, and you do not have to worry whether to write about your motivation or the reasons. Be yourself, and there is no limit! Good Luck!
The conclusion would be stronger if you did not use past tense.
And maybe you could make your own experience with cancer work better for you in this essay.
Cancer needed to stop, and I was going to help it along the way
This seems awkward, help it?
along the way?
i like it. it is obvious you are writing from the heart! good job! i think the AOs will love it!
hmm , I would say it is quite a story; an inspiring one. However it does not seems to have the accidentally feeling of the original prompt.
However it tells the story of why you want to study a specific subject, which is good.
And shouldn't you be writing 1-2 pages according to the guidelines?
I see what you mean, I was kind of thinking that as well.
Thank you for letting me know your thoughts, I appreciate it! :)
And it's almost a page and a half double spaced...Is it supposed to be 1-2 pages single spaced?
Though it is a very moving and amazing story, I still don't know what exactly you "found". The intro story is great, but you should add more about about the cancer because that part is short compared to the story . I think that you are trying to say that you found out that you wanted to help stop cancer from what I understand in the last sentence. Grammar-wise you are fine, but just add onto the topic more.
I agree with the preceding remarks. As touching as your story seems, there is a very vague linkage, if any, with the message of your response to the actual prompt. It is not clear whether your discovery of helping others was accidental.
If time permits will you comment on my essays? Thanks :)