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'I developed scoliosis, kyphosis, and lordosis' - Stanford- Intellectual Experience

DesiGirl 9 / 52  
Dec 23, 2011   #1
1983: Nambudripad's Allergy Elimination Technique is founded. NAET states that allergies arise due to energy blockages and can be tested by applied kinesiology. According to the viscerosomatic relationship, every organ weakness corresponds to a specific muscle weakness, and every substance can stimulate a spindle cell response when contracted. Treatment involves performing acupressure along the spine as the patient holds the allergen, keeping contact with the substance for twenty minutes, then desensitizing the patient by staying away from the substance for twenty four hours. Allergy cured.

During childhood, I developed scoliosis, kyphosis, and lordosis. As I aged, my spinal problems became the source of other health complications. I was forced to wear the back brace, a constricting contraption that not only spurred the onset of breathing problems, but also did nothing to align my spine. My nutrition intake was poor, as I was allergic to nearly every food, and I had adverse reactions to nearly all medication.

I developed an interest for biology when I began training for my Arangetram. During my training, I developed patellar-femoral syndrome and was urged to quit by my physical therapist. I quit physical therapy. I began practicing acupressure and NAET on myself, successfully healing my conditions. I became attuned to the human body, researching how to strengthen muscles and enhance my stamina through yoga. I looked at dance geometrically and analyzed the biochemical processes of movement based on certain food and drink consumed.

It is because of my past experiences that I have shaped my intellect and formed my goals, deciding to dedicate myself to individuals who, such as myself, do not react well to conventional forms of treatment. Though many dismiss Eastern practices, as they believe it refutes the established laws of science, I hope to bridge the gap between Eastern and Western medical practices through scientific validity. I hope to promote Easter diagnostic methods to garner a patient's response to certain therapies--including cancer remedies--beforehand, and if necessary, assess alternative forms of treatment. The benefits: save time; save a life.
djpralex 5 / 10  
Dec 23, 2011   #2
What you have here is great. I feel that your personal experience really connects to your aspirations. I like how you go to developing your intelligence towards Eastern practices. I feel that the flow is cut short at places but other than that, great essay.
OP DesiGirl 9 / 52  
Dec 23, 2011   #3
The intro. is background information for what I reference in a later paragraph...So it's really necessary but I don't know how to change it then...

I've begun doing it so it's not just words. And admissions will understand that through my application but yeah it is a big statement but definitely true haha :)
jujugo85 3 / 15  
Dec 23, 2011   #4
I think this is great and answers the prompt fully because you tell of an experience that has been important to your intellectual development. (Basically, because you do not react well to conventional treatment, you want to dedicate your life to exploring other methods and helping ohters. right?) However, I would end with a statement that refers back to how the experience influenced your aspirations. As of now, it ends in a way that seems as though you are promoting your ideas. selling your aspirations as opposed to your influences. does that make sense? haha buuutttt

I've made some minor suggestions on grammar, but you can choose whether or not to take them haha great job! :))
cupnoodle123 15 / 52  
Dec 23, 2011   #5
Ya, come to think of it, i think everyone else was right, your essay does cover the prompt pretty well, it just does it differently than what i've been reading - which is great:) ...hehe sry about that stuff i wrote

Good job:D
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 24, 2011   #6

I think you have a very good essay here. I agree with Julie that you should bring the conclusion back to your experience and how that has influenced. I see no grammatical errors other than the ones already pointed out.

Hope this helps!
MichaelJ 1 / 7  
Dec 24, 2011   #7
Wow, simply breathtaking. This essay shows you mastery of the English language, your profound insight into the significance of experiences, and an intellectual vitality. Great job!
stargirlpanda 2 / 2  
Dec 24, 2011   #8
What you have here is a great idea, but i think the ideas jump from the first to second paragraphs, then the transistion from the second to third paragraph really flows, but the last transition could use a little work. Otherwise this is a great essay that really describes your struggles and how you became interested in Biology. I found all the scintific terminology a little hard to follow, but great job and best of luck!
OP DesiGirl 9 / 52  
Dec 24, 2011   #9
Do you have any suggestions for how to create those transitions? I experimented with them for a while but I couldn't figure out any that sounded nice...
Ramo 2 / 11  
Dec 24, 2011   #10
Your essay is very admirable and will undoubtedly set you apart from all other applicants. Your ambitions which have arisen from a personal and intricate experience adds an invaluable sense of accomplishment, perseverance, intellect, and most importantly promise to your essay. The people who are most successful in life are those who deal with something that is dear to them, and that is the case for you. In these types of essay, it is the CONTENT that matters, not necessarily how you put it all together. You have a great essay, the content is outstanding and it is as polished as it can be at this stage. There are no glaring mistakes and ideally transitions may be helpful, but that is if you were writing a full on essay; this, rather, is a short response. You have nothing to worry about! Great job!
cupnoodle123 15 / 52  
Dec 24, 2011   #11
I think it super shows your intellectual develop now :)) and other moral development and stuff besides ...Very very nice job! i think it is a huge improvement and I don't have to keep looking at the prompt because you pretty much stick dead on it for the reader :)

Can you also please read over my new Common App "stereotype" essay, below? Thanks and I'd love to hear your comments:) ~~~ hope this all helped too
OP DesiGirl 9 / 52  
Dec 24, 2011   #12
Thank you sooooooo much :) !!! That really helped; I'll make the necessary edits.
An Arangetram is a 2.5 hr solo dance debut but that's explained in my resume and my common app essay so I didn't think it would be necessary to explain it again.

I'd be glad to look over it :)

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