'developing close relationships with White people' -UT Essay A

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Up until junior year, I had generally avoided developing close relationships with White people and normally stuck to hanging out with my fellow minorities. On the first day of school junior year in my Environmental Science class this all changed. Our teacher had us sit at tables that she randomly gave to us based on a drawing and I ended up with a tall, tan, and pretty White girl by the name of Abby. I just simply went over to the desk and greeted Abby with a friendly hello and sat down right next to her, never once did I suspect the impact she would have on the way I viewed White people and people in general.

I did not expect to become such good friends with Abby when I first met her. I had mostly avoided truly befriending White people because I believed that there are just too many differences between me and White people for us to be able to honestly relate. For example, Abby was a White conservative nor did she understand what it was like to have been poor; I was a Black liberal and lived with my grandparents in a third world country for a long time. Due to these differences, I did not expect us to be more than just acquaintances. Fortunately, Abby's innate curiosity about my Jamaican culture "broke the ice" for our friendship to get going. Abby had always seemed fascinated with cultures and she was someone who valued differences and diversity therefore her group of friends could fit into no particular generalization. Over time, Abby and I developed a strong friendship and before I even realized it, I was sharing my thoughts, desires, and even my emotions with Abby who was now one of my closest friends. I believe we could relate so deeply because regardless of our differences we all had our issues and trials that did not discriminate based on skin color.

My friendship with Abby forced me to realize that these boundaries I had put between myself and White people and anyone else were irrational and illogical. She has made me understand that all people can relate each other based on the "human" condition.

I think this essay is good, but some corrections are needed.

1. You should not say "white people." It sounds unprofessional.
2. You should state and describe your minority earlier in the essay, maybe in the 1st paragraph or the beginning of the 2nd paragraph. This will give a general reason why you don't get along with "white people."

3. Then you should state what was different about Abby, ex. her curiosity.
4. Talk about what kind of interactions you had with Abby to explain the impact she had on your life. You said "Over time, Abby and I developed a strong friendship...now one of my closest friends." Say a few things about that process. Maybe she invited you to hang out or something or maybe you went on a trip together. Something along those lines.

5. Talk about the benefits or merits of not discriminating based on skin color. You could talk about any kind of opportunities it opened for you.

I feel your essay is good but you should restructure it.

This is a very good essay, but I think you better have more control on the structure.

what should i say instead of white people?...Whites?...
and i really appreciate your help on everything else!:)