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"devoted to my goals, and confident" -personal or creative essay that describes YOU.


blind527 7 / 34  
Dec 23, 2010   #1
Hello people,

I have somewhat of an essay for Georgetown's essay requirement. It's not completed, but I need some direction/guidance with some structural/grammatical feedback. I know it's not very long right now, but I have a lot of ideas in my mind that I just cannot put into solid wording. I'm in now way asking anyone to complete this for me, but maybe some brainstorming ideas as to where I could take this essay. I'm applying to about 10 schools, and it gets extremely difficult after a while! Any help? Thanks!

Kurt

"On December 16, 2010, I lied anxiously on my soft, cool bed. Despite the exhaustion of finals week, I found it extremely difficult to fall asleep. Knowing that I was graduating from my local community college with high honors the next day, I could not help but think about the journey I was so fortunate to be a part of, and all the hard work and time I put in to accomplish my challenging and demanding goals. I wasn't worried, scared or intimidated by what the future held, however. I was excited. I was excited for new opportunities in a more diverse community, and the chance to grow and prosper at a four-year institution. I was excited for a new beginning.

I am an indomitable human being: devoted to my goals and confident in my ability to excel at a prestigious university such as Georgetown by utilizing my problem solving, critical reasoning, and mathematical skills. I am confident in my capability to strengthen the university's outstanding reputation, and contribute to the local and global communities by getting involved in need-based volunteer opportunities for the less fortunate."

Now with the second paragraph...If I were to use that as my starting paragraph, how could I incorporate the first paragraph later on in the essay? Should I just remove the first two sentences and just use some ideas for the later parts of the essay? Should I keep the format of the first paragraph and use it almost as a conclusion?

Thanks for your help, fella's.

onimpulse 2 / 17  
Dec 23, 2010   #2
Perhaps if you don't phrase it as a question it would work.

"I wasn't worried, scared or intimidated by what the future held, however. I was excited..."

I think you should use your second paragraph to start an anecdote that displays how you are the type of person Georgetown wants.
OP blind527 7 / 34  
Dec 23, 2010   #3
Yeah, you're right.
onimpulse 2 / 17  
Dec 23, 2010   #4
Should I keep the format of the first paragraph and use it almost as a conclusion?

That might work. Something like, "So, on that night when I was lying in my bed, unable to sleep, I was not worried, scared or intimidated, because such and such an experience taught me this"

Obviously that's a bit direct, but you get what I'm saying.
OP blind527 7 / 34  
Dec 23, 2010   #5
Thanks. I'll whip up something tomorrow morning when I have a fresh mind. I'm always worried about including too much with these essays. Since it's about me, I'm having a hard time figuring out exactly how in depth with things I should be going in to that are unrelated to personal descriptions.
OP blind527 7 / 34  
Dec 26, 2010   #6
Okay I have completed my essay...I know I haven't gotten responses to the last post, but since this is final, maybe someone can help me:

"People often describe me as intelligent, personable, and ambitious. However, when asked to describe myself, there is one word that comes to mind: versatile.

...
Jen_rhymesw_Ten 4 / 11  
Dec 28, 2010   #7
Being the definition of Eli Whitney's Interchangeable Parts, versatility allows me to fit into any situation while remaining frugal and resourceful in accomplishing challenging goals and tasks.

>>>>are you quoting Eli Whitney??

Versatility encourages me to think outside the box; coming up with ingenious ideas on the spot based on infinite conditions.
>>>>being versatile also you to be a divergent thinker

Your essay describes you as confident, and that was what you were trying to impose. Right? Well good job.
OP blind527 7 / 34  
Dec 28, 2010   #8
Thanks, yes that is the message I am trying to impose. I like the change of the divergent thinker part, thank you very much. I will incorporate that into my essay.
jz7 6 / 21  
Dec 29, 2010   #10
Hi thanks for your input in my essay :)

Overall it's a good essay.

I would suggest that you use some examples to demonstrate the traits that you claim you have.

Right now, i see a lot of "telling" and not "showing".

How can you prove to the admin officer that you are "complex, independent and outstanding"?

Something to think about, good job though!
OP blind527 7 / 34  
Dec 29, 2010   #11
Thank you. Yes I do agree; I could add some more explanations and examples instead of just telling them how I am. Good point.
OP blind527 7 / 34  
Dec 29, 2010   #12
I have made some changes and explained briefly a time where I incorporated a leadership role..Keep in mind this essay has to be "brief," so I don't want this to be too long. It's already about a page long.

"People often describe me as intelligent, personable, and ambitious. However, when asked to describe myself, there is one word that comes to mind: versatile. To me, versatility is the most important quality for anyone to possess. It allows me to adhere to any situation while remaining frugal and resourceful in accomplishing challenging goals and tasks. Being versatile also allows me to be a divergent thinker; coming up with unique solutions to complex issues.

Versatility has taught me to become a critically reasoned, problem-solving and confident leader by presenting unique approaches and solutions to simple and intricate issues. With that in mind, I often take charge during group activities, and while doing so, collaborate with each group member articulately to achieve the goals set forth. It is my conviction, that an efficient and effective leader is able to manage any situation, no matter the circumstance. Even though I perform effectively within groups, I am extremely diligent and persistent with independent endeavors. Working independently has helped fortify my problem solving and critical reasoning skills by allowing me to focus on the problem individually. I seek new and complex challenges that will help me thrive and prosper as an outstanding leader, friend, and classmate. I also plan to incorporate my valuable qualities into achieving an outstanding learning experience at Georgetown University.

Leadership takes hard work and dedication, as well as a persistent drive in setting and accomplishing goals; all in which are tremendously important to me. During a group activity in my financial accounting class, I gained respect and trust from group members as a leader by organizing an efficient layout and solution to the problem presented in class, as well as assigned tasks for each member to complete. Without friction, the group ran as smooth as a well-oiled machine. Our goal was to receive the highest grade in class, and we did, receiving a 99.89% on the final project.

I am an indomitable human being. I am devoted to my goals, such as obtaining a bachelor's degree, and confident in my ability to excel as a leader at a prestigious university such as Georgetown by utilizing my unique critical reasoning and problem-solving skills. I am committed in strengthening the university's stellar reputation by contributing my extraordinary efforts in volunteer work and studentship.

As a first generation college student, I am ecstatic for the opportunity to transfer to a four-year institution and make a difference, not only for myself, but also for my family as I move on to the next phase in my journey. I hope to apply my academic accomplishments in aiding the process of finding a lucrative job after graduation while meeting new people in a plethora of diverse networks pertaining to my career choice."

How does this match the prompt? How is the content? I think this is my final essay, so PLEASE give me some final thoughts/suggestions before I submit this essay.
DustinDaniels - / 2  
Dec 29, 2010   #13
I am an indomitable human being-- devoted to my goals and confident in my ability to excel at a prestigious university such as Georgetown by utilizing my problem solving, critical reasoning, and mathematical skills.

A dash works well here to show the comparison found in your skills and your spirit.

Great read; good luck!
OP blind527 7 / 34  
Dec 29, 2010   #14
Thanks for your input. I had a dash in there originally, but took it out for some reason and never put it back haha. Thanks again.


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