So i just wanted to get some quick feedback for my common app essay.
Thanks
Suspended from reality and confined by a realm of concentration, I was completely astonished by the dexterity of my uncle's game-play. The struggle became futile. But the inner spirit of a champion surged through my ten-year old arm into the wooden handle of the paddle, forcing the ball to spin onto the table to the concrete wall. Perhaps this was a coincidence, for I had never held a paddle or served a ping pong ball before. Unfortunately, my luck ceased and I faced defeat. However, this loss became an opportunity for my newly acquired passion to reach the minds of my peers to experience the competitive sport of ping pong.
In order to influence my peers in ping pong, I had to become an expert at the sport. My determination led me to several hours of practice for the next few years into high school. To my surprise, the school did not have a ping pong club. However, this did not stop me.
I created a club for students to practice and challenge their peers in aggressive ping pong matches. Hoping the club would attract the advanced players of the school, I was introduced to diverse play styles and skills. With only two tables during the first year of the club, it became a challenge to improve my abilities. However, I realized that in order to compete in the next encounter with my uncle, I would need worthy opponents to practice against. I viewed this situation as an opportunity to shepherd the other members into a breed of seasoned athletes. Soon the club was promoted by my drive to help members develop new techniques by teaching the fundamental physics of ping pong.
Soon, I started to tutor outside of the club. Prior to my experiences in the club, school was illustrated as an arena in which only the best and brightest succeeded while others plummeted into an abyss of failure. The ping pong club contradicted this belief, for the club succeeded through learning from failures and helping players. Therefore, I believed that if I applied this same concept by tutoring my friends, I would improve my own grades while helping others. By aiding my peers in homework and studying for tests, I gained perspectives in subjects that originally confounded me. Through tutoring my friends, I realized that school was more than the competition for earning the highest grades; the importance was the impact I made on my peers that improved their grades as well as their game in ping pong.
What began as a child's game evolved into the creation of much more than a ping pong club; it became an environment for me to communicate and meet students, allowing me to develop into a diverse and social individual. Although I never passed through the portal of champion-hood to defeat my rival, I will never regret the fact that I was able to convert a group of diverse students into a breed of ping pong champions.
Could you define the prompt that you are answering?
I originally had it as topic of my choice but I am still unsure. Otherwise it would be: "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."
Okay, what you're working with is really, really good. This topic is not only super unique, but also very entertaining to read. It incorporates many aspects that are appealing of good literature--like an underlying presence of an underdog story of sorts--in a very short essay.
Now, at a first read your essay confused me a little bit. In reading it back over a couple times, though, it came to flow very well. Unfortunately, you're probably only going to get that initial read of a busy college admissions counselor. Overall, I suggest seeking clarification so that you get that thorough, captivating read the very first time through. I recommend possibly setting the scene at the beginning of the introductory paragraph, and maybe cleaning it up a bit word-wise. You clearly have an impressive vocabulary, but you can demonstrate such while still avoiding clutter.
The transition between you're third and fourth paragraphs is a little confusing. It's unclear to me where exactly the tutoring comes from. Going off of the last sentence of your third paragraph I think it's unclear whether you're tutoring the kids in physics, or just serving as a general tutor. I really enjoy the fourth paragraph itself, though. As long as you can justify that transition those two paragraphs should be looking really nice.
If you can incorporate those few changes I think this thing's going to be golden.
So I just changed it to this:
"I created a club for students to practice and challenge their peers in aggressive ping pong matches. Hoping the club would attract the advanced players of the school, I was introduced to diverse play styles and skills. With only two tables during the first year of the club, it became a challenge to improve my abilities. However, I realized that in order to compete in the next encounter with my uncle, I would need to practice against worthy opponents. I viewed this situation as an opportunity to shepherd the other members into a breed of seasoned athletes. Soon the club was promoted by my drive to help members develop new techniques by teaching the fundamentals of ping pong.
Prior to my experiences in the club, school was illustrated as an arena in which only the best and brightest succeeded while others plummeted into an abyss of failure. The ping pong club contradicted this belief, for the club succeeded through learning from failures and helping players. Therefore, I believed that if I applied this same concept by tutoring my friends, I would improve my own grades while helping others. By aiding my peers in homework and studying for tests in chemistry, math, and history, I gained perspectives in subjects that originally confounded me. Through tutoring my friends, I realized that school was more than the competition for earning the highest grades; the importance was the impact I made on my peers that improved their grades as well as their game in ping pong. "
basically i got rid of the intro to the 4th paragraph b/c i think it was uneccesary and i changed it to fundamentals of ping pong instead of physics b/c i originally meant like how ping pong involves physics
Just those two edits honestly make a huge difference, dude. That reads so much better.
Anyone else want to critique it? the more the better!
