Prompt: Topic of your choice.
Minimum of 250 words.
I've decided to write my Common App essay on diabetes in my family, and how it's broadened my knowledge of diseases and treatment etc...
My conclusion is a little weak...I need help with that.
All advice/criticism is welcome ;)
Thanks in advance!
As we sat in the cramped, overheated car you could tell by the look on his face that something wasn't quite right. His eyes, which were normally hazel and bright with emotion, were currently muddy brown and dull. He gazed off into the distance, staring at nothing, no one. "Hey are you all right?" I asked him. He turned to me, purple bags so deep under his eyes that they very well could have been etched in into his skin. He turned to me and scowled, facing forward a few seconds later. My stomach churned and I sat uneasily in my seat until we arrived at the restaurant. As we were making our way in he dragged his feet along the cracking pavement, beads of sweat running down his. His breath was shallow, the look on his face signifying defeat. As I made my way inside I was stopped by a gruesome sound; it was the sound of bone and skin against metal. I spun around, shocked to see my brother face first on the ground in the doorway.
I wish I could say that encounters like these don't happen very often, but that is not the case. Unfortunately, both of my younger brothers and my dad suffer from diabetes. Because of diabetes, my family members are prone to experiencing fainting spells, increased fatigue, irritability, blurry vision and unquenchable thirst. Although diabetes has set many limitations on my brothers and dad, it has supplied me with a profound knowledge of the disease, and a genuine concern for others who suffer from it as well.
Since I have to deal with a rollercoaster of emotions and aggressive actions from my brothers on a regular basis, I have become much more patient and understanding of people's feelings. Instead of being angered by a vicious comment, or annoyed by constant nagging and complaining, I learned to become more tolerant. Rather than instigating a worse situation, I follow the footsteps of The Beatles by "taking a sad song and making it better." I strive to make all people, especially my brothers, happy, because when one person is suffering, they tend to drag in everyone around them.
I'll never forget the time a few months ago when I was asked to run my neighbor's 9 year old daughter's birthday party. One of the boys there was diabetic, and was constantly being picked on by the other boys for having to take a shot every time he wanted to eat. Close to tears, he refused to eat his food around any of the other kids for he feared they would crack more jokes at him. I knew then it was my job to comfort him, not just because I was in charge of the party, but because since I had experience with kids with diabetes it was the right thing to do. I explained to him how I had two brothers in the same situation, and not to get down on himself just because a couple of boys were teasing him about it. He took my words to heart, and I could tell that in just the few moments I spent talking to him he already felt more comfortable in his own skin.
It's experiences like those that have furthered by desire to become a pediatrician. I have found I am able to connect with little kids on a personal level, due to the fact that I have younger brothers of my own. And ever since that fateful day 12 years ago when I found out my first brother Noah, was diabetic I knew I wanted to become a doctor to make him better. I always had the dream of 'finding a cure,' and after learning that my second brother Jacob was diabetic six years later intensified that dream. There's nothing worse than having to watch your little brothers constantly feeling sick, and having to give themselves a shot every time they want to eat or drink. I will do everything in my power to come up with a way to make them feel more at ease, and hopefully cured one day.
Though diabetes is a horrible disease that I would wish upon no one, I am grateful for the newfound insight it has provided my family and me with. It has taught me to remain calm in bad situations, given me the motivation to do good, and inspired me to pursue a career in pediatrics.
I've decided to write my Common App essay on diabetes in my family, and how it's broadened my knowledge of diseases and treatment etc...
^I think there is something already wrong with this. The fact that you know a lot about diabetes is not going to get you into college.
I like your introduction however.
In the end you start to get to the point. You talk about how you will give care to people who need it but that is just one sentence.
I would cut down more than half of your rant about diabetes.
How has diabetes affected your relationship with your family? How has it effected your social life? Stuff like this may be good to mention.
All advice/criticism is welcome ;)
I assume you wouldn't be happy with a comment similar to the one you posted in other student's thread:
"This is a great job!"
would you?Thanks alot, guys!
And I left that comment because I didn't know I had to comment other essays before being able to post my own...and I didn't think that essay needed to be fixed anyway...it WAS great.
I didn't know I had to comment other essays before being able to post my own...
IF that was the case you wouldn't have (most likely) even post in that thread.. Sigh..
^I think there is something already wrong with this. The fact that you know a lot about diabetes is not going to get you into college.
^She never said it would. It is a topic that she will be discussing in her CommonApp essay.
before getting to your conclusion, i personally think you spend way too much time talking about what you do as far as giving the shot and explaining what diabetes is. its good b.c. im sure the admissons ple will DEF. know someone with it and can relate but you really have NOT said AT ALL how it has broadened tyour knowledge much. like two paragraphs ago you just explained what you had to do. a suggestion: tell how you gain more knowledge of diabetes, more responsibility through caring for your brother. do u raise money for it or something? do u raise awareness? do u teach ur friends about it? because as of now, i dont really see much of the prompt answered. GOOD OPENING THOUGH! :D
^I do not think it is 'good', regardless if the Admissions people can relate to it or not. I think it is not good, because quite frankly, it is boring and ineffective. Gabrielle assumes that we as readers know nothing about diabetes and decides to lecture us on it. The other suggestions are applicable, but talia, there is no prompt therefore it can not really be answered :)
I assume you wouldn't be happy with a comment similar to the one you posted in other student's thread:
"This is a great job!"
would you?
^Yes, even I was quite disappointed when I looked at 'My Threads section' and saw that that was the type of comment Gabriele posted.
And I left that comment because I didn't know I had to comment other essays before being able to post my own.
^Well, perhaps now that you do know, you can demonstrate that you do know this by posting either, detailed, useful, or informative feedback, on somebody else's essay?
I would cut some of the very detailed information you give about diabetes treatment in favor of some information showing that you know this is a disease with social as well as medical implications (more common among African Americans and people living in poverty; increasingly common due to changes in the standard American diet; exacerbated by lack of access to fresh produce and whole grains in lower-income neighborhoods). This would open the door for you to announce an intention to contribute to the solution by helping to reduce the incidence of diabetes (insofar as possible) by working for social change.
^^ yeaaa i didnt wanna COMPLETELY have him/her lose hope on his.her essay.
i do agree though.
my personal opinion is that you really start over. im sorry :(
i mean you cant win them all! i know this feeling too! ive had to start over too, its all in the process!!
good luck!
andddddd i assumed the prompt was like:
tell of a significant experience... (just b.c. of how she said
I've decided to write my Common App essay on diabetes in my family, and how it's broadened my knowledge of diseases and treatment
)
^I doubt the writer has to start over. I just think the writer, needs to seriously consider revising.
As others have pointed out, the essay doesn't really show anything much about you that would make you seem like a good applicant. You could take Simone's suggestion, if in fact you want to go into social work, or have some interest in that aspect of the disease. Or, you could talk about how the experience has taught you patience and compassion, and then discuss whatever activities you engage in that show that you have these qualities. Or, you could talk about how the experience has influenced your choice of major. Anything, really, that makes the essay relevant to you as an applicant.
two things first off, just because there is a 250 word minimum, doens't mean your essay should go well over 500 words, that's generally the consensus, and its not just me, counselors and princeston review have told me your common app essay should not exceed 500 words. I didn't count your words though, maybe your fine, im just pointing it out. Second, when you write about a topic like this, your conclusions that you make are going to make the difference, and the ones you make aren't anything special, pretty average. You got to go more in depth, i know your essay is based off getting people moved by your story, but college essays are all about making conclusions. If this really moved you, teh admisions officers are going to want really moving and significant conlcusions. I also think you could use some better more lively, moving language in your essay but thats not something you can really change in a writer. by the way, anybody please feel free to look at either of my essasy and post comments, i will be turning them in within the next day or two.
