Diagnosed with (ITP) +an underprivileged household - UCF Admission Essays

I'd appreciate any feedback. I consider writing my weakest point so any suggestions would help me a lot.

1. This past year I have pulled through one of the toughest times in my life. In October 2008 I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura (ITP), an auto-immune disease that affects platelets. Learning about this bleeding disorder I had to quit both the Cross Country and Lacrosse teams; sports had always been a part of my life and I was devastated to quit. The rest of the year I was constantly sick or at the doctors. The absent days along with ITP's symptoms, including exhaustion, made the year difficult for me academically. I had to push myself to keep up with my classes both mentally and physically. Throughout the year I tried many treatments to get my platelet numbers up. After a few months of steroids I had multiple Intravenous Immune Globulin infusions with short lived success. The next treatment we decided was on a chemotherapy drug Vincristine; a month of this only raised my platelet count for two months. Before deciding what to do next I attended the annual ITP conference. The conference let me learn about the next treatments available and connected me to other teenagers with the same disease. Finally I felt like there were people to talk with who understood what I was going through. Upon returning I started Rituximab treatments which work by suppressing my immune system. These infusions were the roughest on my body, inducing acute rheumatoid arthritis. I spent the last two weeks of treatment in agonizing joint pain; thankfully it paid off. It has been two months since my treatment and I am responding extremely well. Even though ITP changed my life it helped me realize what is truly important, and that I want to pursue a career in oncology/hematology to help others going through the same situation.

2. Growing up in an underprivileged household has taught me that I need to strive for what I want to accomplish in my lifetime. As a child I understood that anything worth doing required determination, knowing this I grew up into a driven independent woman. My mother did all she could when raising us yet was unable to provide us with all the things we wanted. I never resented that fact, but instead made it my goal to be able to one day have everything within my grasp. Even now that my home is being foreclosed without us having a place to go, my mother has not given up. She is still trying her best to be there for us and keep moving forward. Through her strength to overcome her life's harsh realities I have become a stronger person. I know what it is like to live in a one bedroom apartment with four people, or to not have enough money for groceries. I worked hard in all aspects of my life so that I would be able to prove to my mom that through everything she raised me to be a successful woman. In the Hispanic culture the children are to take care of their parents when they grow old, and I want to be able to give my mom the world for everything she has done for me. This inner drive is the reason why everything I do has all my effort behind it. I want to show the world what I am capable of accomplishing and that no matter the situation, it does not define who you are or will be.

Both of your essays are good. Your first essay, with a few corrections can be very powerful seeing as what you've been through. Your second essay also needs some fixing, and I feel like you should expand a little more (in detail) on growing up in an underpriveledged home. Other than that, I loved how you ended your essay and the lesson you learned!

Thanks, I wasn't sure if I should o into more detail or if it was unnecessary.

Yeah, I've gotten the impression (through posting two essays) that without detail, your essay is nothing. Your essays are very good so don't change them just work on them a little and they'll be great!

I must disagree because every sentence in your second essay is generic and will be similar to the essays of many other applicants. Your essay is plain but acceptable right now. You need an example.