Here's my essay that i wrote for the common app. I would appreciate it if someone could check it for grammar, spelling, etc. But i would also really like it if people could comment on what they thought about the content and topic of the essay more. Do i stay on topic? Would the essay "helps us[colleges] to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data"? Anyway here it is:
Throughout my life and recently, a number of deaths or sicknesses have greatly affected me. The one which has had the most significant impact on my life is when one of my dad's employees and close friends, Chris, died from leukemia. At the young age of 32 and with a new born baby boy, doctors told him that he had leukemia. This disease can and was fatal to Chris. Chris' loss was tragic; however, I will always remember the way Chris handled the disease. His attitude taught me it is necessary to never give up on something we want.
After Chris was diagnosed with leukemia it seemed that just when it looked like he would be cured from the disease very soon, something happened which caused treatment to start from the beginning. The treatment was very intense and hard on him. It required bone marrow from another person. The bone marrow donors were very difficult to find and as soon as he found one, the donor would stop donating. He also needed to take steroids as part of treatment. These caused his face to swell up to the point where he was almost unrecognizable. This up and down journey was hard on everyone around him. Whenever I heard about him getting better I got very excited and in a few weeks or sometimes even days my hopes would be crushed. I can't even begin to imagine how he felt every time he heard this news, yet he still kept pushing. His desire to live to see his son grow up and have a long happy life was worth all the pain he had to suffer through.
The tasks I face in my life do not compare to fighting leukemia; however, I try to apply the same courage and determination that Chris had when fighting leukemia to the challenges in my life. Whether I am tackling a difficult school assignment or trying to get something want I stay focused despite the challenges and don't give up till I succeed. Perseverance is necessary for success. Chris may not have totally cured himself of cancer, but had he given up when the treatment got hard he would have lost a lot of time with his family. Every day Chris stayed alive and fought was a win for him and his family and I am sure if he had to do it all again, he would.
Chris' death was tragic and I will miss him very much, but I will always remember the great times we had. Most of all, I will remember his bravery and willpower when facing and trying to fight off this horrible disease. Too often people give up on something because it is the easy way out. The true leaders are the ones who try to do something and never give up. In the end, things may not turn out how they want but something good, such as the extra time Chris got with his family, will always come out of it.
Let me know what you think!
Thanks,
Kevin
Good evening :)
Mechanically, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. In regards to content, I think this is a very special piece that shows what kind of person you are. You describe someone so personally close to you and the impact of both his life and death; this is a great thing, which makes this a great essay. Nice work. I think it sticks to the prompt with no problems.
Regards,
Gloria
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