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I was diagnosed with orbital cellulitis; PERSONAL STATEMENT


Lehi 1 / 1  
Feb 18, 2013   #1
I tied together an obstacle I faced with my future career goals. Some parts sound awkward so I was hoping someone could help me transition more smoothly, thank you! Btw the format is all weird bcos this site isn't allowing me to upload the actual file so when i pasted it, it didn't come out right. Hopefully it won't make it too hard to understand..thanks again

I felt the tears slowly roll down my cheek; a reminder that it was almost nine o'clock. Visiting hours were over and my eye began to throb again as if it had been used as a punching bag for Muhammad Ali. I couldn't bear to see my family leave again and the crying would only make my condition worse. I thought of ways to keep them distracted so they wouldn't know what time it was; searching for a joke or a weird observation in the room, just to keep them interested. But they were already gone and I was curled up and accompanied by the sorrowful tears again.

My tenth birthday was coming up and instead of dropping hints about what kind of gifts I wanted that birthday, I was battling the possibility of losing complete eyesight in my left eye. The risk of potential blindness opened my eyes to my priorities and what I wanted in my future.

Four days before my birthday I woke up and realized that I couldn't open my eye. I ran to the bathroom mirror only to see the scary reflection of my red, swollen eye. My parents rushed me to the hospital where I was diagnosed with orbital cellulitis.

Lying in the cold empty hospital room I tried to think of all the time I would spend with my family once I was treated but every time a tear would fall, the lonely nights felt longer. Once this coping mechanism became insufficient I turned to Gina. My nurse Gina would keep me company almost every night. Gina made it very apparent to me that once I was cured, if ever, I would want to help children someday, whether it was directly or indirectly. She made me feel at home and when she heard that my birthday was right around the corner she did everything in her power to make my day just as special as it would have been if I was home. The day of my birthday I felt worse than before, the doctor shared the horrible news that the constant crying had made my left eye worse and the infection was starting to travel to my right eye. I couldn't help but cry even more at the sound of my moms' and sisters sobbing. The doctors urged my parents to promptly take me home where they would have to treat me. A bittersweet feeling began to overwhelm everyone in the room, including Gina who was waiting outside the door for me with a crew of nurses each holding their own gift and a homemade birthday cake.

My eyes lit up when she entered the room. Gina, a woman I had only known for a week, had cared just as much about me as my family did. A woman so sweet and infectious that she could transform a room full of teary eyes into smiling faces. I wondered how she kept a smile on her face after everything she had seen working inside a hospital. She was everything I wanted to be when I grew up.

Through observation, Gina quickly taught me how to turn a sad situation into a bearable one. With this new skill I learned I knew I had to share it with every kid that would soon face my situation or a similar one. Gina made me realize that someday I wanted to be that one person to change someone's perspective on their situation. I wasn't sure exactly how I was going to do it but now I know that through advances in science, someday I'll discover how to prevent orbital cellulitis and other diseases or cure them quicker so another child will never have to face the lonely nights I did.
Goingsomewhere 1 / 4  
Feb 20, 2013   #2
Once this coping mechanism became insufficient I turned to Gina. My nurse Gina would keep me company almost every night.

Once this coping mechanism became insufficient I turned to Gina ,my nurse, Gina would keep me company almost every night.

Gina made it very apparent to me that once I was cured, if ever, I would want to help children someday, whether it was directly or indirectly.

Gina made it very apparent to me if ever I were cured I would want to help children someday, whether it was directly or indirectly.

I wasn't sure exactly how I was going to do it but now I know that through advances in science, someday I'll discover how to prevent orbital cellulitis and other diseases or cure them quicker so another child will never have to face the lonely nights I did.

I was not sure how but I know that through advances in science, I'll discover how to prevent orbital cellulitis and other diseases so another child will never have to face the lonely nights I did.

Overall really well written. I enjoyed reading
OP Lehi 1 / 1  
Feb 21, 2013   #3
thank you so much! pin pointed most of the parts i found awkward!
KYOAAA 6 / 20 1  
Feb 21, 2013   #4
I think Grammatically your essay is good and the content is touching. You did a great job in telling your story!


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