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'dialogue with amazing individuals' - NYU SUPPLEMENT

jadore_lamode68 6 / 37  
Jan 1, 2012   #1
Why NYU?

Any edits on grammer & style are welcomed.
Please don't hold back and thank you sooooo sooo much!!!!!!

My mother hisses anytime the term "homosexual" is mentioned on television. She scoffs at words like "Muslim and Latino" and at the utterance of "abortion" she is outright offended. Where my mother does not welcome views unlike her own, I yearn for diversity. It is my belief that the cultivation of all groups and perspectives creates solutions and ideas otherwise untapped. When Albert Gallatin founded the New York University in 1813 declaring it a beckon " graciously opened to all." he also commissioned the cultivation of knowledge from all spectrums, all endeavors, and all walks of life. Should I commit to majoring in biology, NYU offers incomparable resources and programs that will allow me to not just go to NYU but experience it. I will engage in dialogue with amazing individuals as we all embark on a journey to become pioneers that will leave our impact vast beyond our hallways and dorms as we are equipped for leadership on all fronts of human enterprise. I will have the opportunity to collaborate with renowned professors such as Chiye Aoki whose utilization of an electron microscope to connect the physiology of adult and adolescent brains to mental illnesses is not only astounding, remarkable and simply awesome but a testament that NYU professors are not simply educators but innovators in their fields. Attending NYU would allow me to become an organ of a new voice, among a population not found elsewhere-this generation x who will become the leaders, inventors and innovators of tomorrow.

OP jadore_lamode68 6 / 37  
Jan 1, 2012   #2
Oh my goodness! Thanks so much for the edits!
walcotted 1 / 2  
Jan 1, 2012   #3
I really enjoyed your essay. The beginning line was captivating and I like how you made a sharp contrast when you introduced yourself. I also like how you use the word "will" instead of something tentative like "could" or "want" because I think it shows that you are confident this school is the right fit for you and a place you will go to. My only criticism is the last sentence. It seems to not really fit in with the main idea of the essay.
PrspectivStudnt 2 / 4  
Jan 1, 2012   #4
The only mistake i see is in the last sentence. You should change "would" into "will." However, I really like how you state your reasons for choosing NYU and then supporting it with research, i'm assuming, you have done on the university. Excellent supplemental essay and i wish you the best! Thank you for also revising my essay.
steph22222 2 / 3  
Jan 1, 2012   #5
You wrote a very strong essay; you made it personal, and that in itself is going to make it stand out.

NYU produces notable alumni from the likes of my favorite rapper Childish Gambino to countless winners of the Nobel Prize in Medicine and clubs like Medical Dialogue and Cruelty-Free NYU that are just as varied-which I find appealing.

you should revise the last part of that sentence, it gets confusing and I lose your train of thought
OP jadore_lamode68 6 / 37  
Jan 1, 2012   #6
Thanks guys! And I will be waiting for your post Erica!

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