Prompt: Dickinson College founder, statesman and physician Benjamin Rush wrote several essays on education for this new nation. Listed below are three of Rush's philosophies. Choose ONE and explain how that philosophy relates to your talents, goals and the reasons you chose to apply to Dickinson.
*Dickinson students shall become globally engaged citizen leaders.
I want to take any suggestions possible. Great appreciations.^^
Two weeks ago when I was rummaging the drawers in my room, I came across an expired reporter ID that I used to be so proud of when I was a third-grade student, and I was surprised to learn that my affiliation with journalism started so early in life.
As I became the minister of the editorial board of the school's broadcasting station 6 years ago, gathering news and writing articles became my daily routine. I shuttled back and forth during breaks to assign my men different tasks, not to mention my starving stomach when I was on duty for the broadcasting period at noon, but I loved the job. As a confident leader, I often told my men, "if you guys want to thrive, just string along with me." But when it comes to work, I was always painstaking, especially when I am working in the "press".
Days passed as I understood more events happening around me, and the world I behold now is not so perfect anymore. Our earth is sweating and the glaciers are melting; ozone hole appeared above the Antarctic and many creatures are about to extinct; extreme poverty and hunger still exist in Africa and refugees are being tortured in war-torn countries; attempts at eradicating HIV have been fruitless as H1N1 goes berserk. It is true that hardly any of these has interfered my life, but my heart breaks when I see them. My dream, fostered by my sense of responsibility, is to become a United Nations Messenger of Peace. With determination, I will be devoted to raising awareness of United Nations' efforts to improve the lives of billions of people everywhere, and to motivate people to press for a united and peaceful world.
But before that, I need to figure out a solution to my own problem: "How can I become someone who combines both ability and love for humanity?"
Dickinson college answered me best. "If you're looking for a college with a focus on the world and all it has to offer, Dickinson may be perfect." I want to be one of those Dickinson students who aim to become globally engaged citizen leaders in the future. I want to join the big family of Dickinson, learn to take responsibilities, and enhance my knowledge and skill. At Dickinson, I shall take a step closer towards my dream.
Wow, your third paragraph is powerfully written! Also your ending is done very well. I did find a few things that need work though;
...and I was surprised to learn that my affiliation with journalism started so early in life.
This doesn't sound right, unless you had amnesia! How about, "I was surprised to 'recall' that my...?
As I became the minister of the editorial board...
I shuttled back and forth during breaks to assign my men different tasks, not to mention my starving stomachand at times, my stomach was starving when I was on duty for the broadcasting period at noon, but I loved the job.
But When it comes to work, I am always painstakingly meticulous , especially when I am working in the "press".
Thanks Susan I found these feedbacks really come in handy.
But besides these grammatic suggestions, are there any more problems related to the content of the essay?
My men may sound bad.., My people is not much better. If you say "my colleagues" or something like that, it will show respect and humility.
Being a UN peace messenger is about the most globally engaged thing you can do! You should write al about that, and show what you know. Name names, and give examples of UN heroes demonstrating being actually engaged -- not just in favor -- of alleviating suffering.
Show, don't tell... that's a rule for writing. So, show them that you are the most globally engaged candidate they've got! :-) Elaborate on that plan for your future, and show how it is necessary and appropriate for you to go to this school to prepare.
Thanks Kevin, I used "comrades" instead of "men", would that be better?
And I've also made some changes to the last three paragraphs. Here is it again.
Days passed as I came to know more events that happened around me, and the world I behold now is not so perfect anymore. Our earth is sweating and the snowmen are melting; extreme poverty and hunger prevail in Africa and refugees are being tortured in war-torn countries; attempts at eradicating HIV have been fruitless as H1N1 goes berserk. It is true that hardly any of these has interfered my life, but my heart breaks when I see them. My dream, fostered by my sense of responsibility, is to become a United Nations Messenger of Peace. The boxing legend, Muhammad Ali, who spent most of his time outside the boxing ring devoted to the pursuit of peace and the battle against Apartheid, and Luciano Pavarotti, who used the power of music to generate millions of dollars in humanitarian aid, have always been my heroes. With determination, I will strive to reach my destination and carry on their tasks: to raise the awareness of United Nations' efforts to improve the lives of billions of people everywhere, and to motivate people to press for a united and peaceful world.
But before that, I need to figure out a solution to my own problem: "How can I become someone who combines both talent and responsibility?"
Dickinson College answers me best. "If you're looking for a college with a focus on the world and all it has to offer, Dickinson may be perfect." I want to be one of those Dickinson students who are destined to become globally engaged citizen leaders in the future. I want to join the big family of Dickinson, engage in its comprehensive international education program, learn to take my responsibilities for the world, and enhance my knowledge and skill. At Dickinson, I shall take a step closer towards my dream.
It is great! And yes, comrades is a good word.
Here is a way to make this sentence more vigorous:
The Boxing legend Muhammad Ali, who spent...
It looks great, and I see no errors.
Hey man
Just want to say that your conclusion is perfect- Dickinson College answered me best, a direct quote, a genuine yearning to go to Dickinson... that's great. Good job with that. You nailed the prompt.
People ought to learn a lesson by your clear answer!
Thanks guys for your feedbacks. ^^ I get your points now.
