This is an essay for University of Washington. Fingers crossed on how my essay will be! No set limit on length, but the recommended is 750-1000 words
Prompts:
Academic Elements (required)
Academic History
Tell us about your college career to date, describing your performance, educational path and choices.
This is the updated version of my essay, which is due tonight! Word count is now 977, a decrease of nearly 200 words from the original one. Prompts are same as above. Critics, comments always welcome!
I used to dread the idea of being different as I thought uniformity is the best way for society. "Befriending non-Chinese Indonesians is a taboo, they just never do the best in anything and they will make you stupid if you are friends with them," said my father. A Chinese person would save money to expand his business, while a native would spend it frivolously. When I heard that statement, I felt proud of my heritage. However, I found it hard to believe that a non-Chinese person couldn't be successful. At church, I envied being the modest one in between my friends who slumber in ritzy houses. Everyone at school was of the same age, thinking of graduating in food science or engineering.
At the same time however, I was proud to be unique and creative by going beyond expectations. During primary school, I was the student in the computer room who would try all the buttons that appeared on games, rather than playing them procedurally. In middle school, I would be the student who designed an airline website using HTML and PHP, instead of same old encyclopedias. At high school, I built Powerpoint presentations of jobs vocabularies in German and the Afghan War timeline that are interactive like computer programs. I made friends with Trekkies and cinematographers, who balance studying and having fun in their hobbies. From them, I make these creative and out of the box projects.
Life in Seattle transformed all my negative perspectives of being different. I was in a Physics class with a 65-year-old who attends college just for the fun of tinkering hardware at home. I befriended African Muslims in hijabs who do not fear of discrimination by speaking up with pride. I met fellow Indonesians, from Sumatra to Papua, who studied vigorously to nail their admission to top universities, yet managed to spare their time at church ministries. I learned that diversity offers more opportunity than uniformity and I can learn to define my own success.
I came to North Seattle College with a major that recent prospective students would often take, which is computer science. As I was taking all prerequisite classes for the major, I felt there should be a change in pace. I like working with the technical side of machines, but I also want to work with people to see how technology impacts all of us. While doing research on the Web, I found out that there is a program at the University of Washington that does such things called informatics.
At a Transfer Thursday session in a December, I managed to sit down for an advising with the Informatics Program Chair, Scott Barker to find out what the major has to offer. As he was explaining the brochure about the school, I felt enlightenment. "We are not only about computers, but sociology, psychology, philosophy, everything that connects technology to human as the user," he said, and this is spot on with my goal. I want to find out how computer networks can make assignments easier and create new ideas to improve the computer itself and human life.
In between school, I make slides and flyers for the monthly mass and seasonal events at the Indonesian Catholic Community in Seattle. This is where I learn creativity, which I believe is necessary to tailor what clients ask us for. But revelation came during my role of translating computer science practice activities and the Code[dot]org website into Indonesian. I was fascinated of how the activities use blocks containing codes called Blockly. The user can simply drag them in a specific order in order for the result to work as demonstrated. Here, I can see the relationship between informatics and computer science. Information scientists innovate a new way to learn code, and works with computer scientists to reach create it by inputting code.
All the activities further fuel my interest for informatics. While North Seattle College provides me with coding and problem solving skills by computer science classes and the user side by sociology and psychology classes, it does not have enough resources to comprehend how these two things can connect. While this may mean I should take more fundamental classes, I'll keep myself in pace by doing research or reading before the class, set priority on my class schedules and homework, and ask questions.
Many of my church friends are currently studying or had finished studying at UW, from business to biology. Their polite, hardworking, and open-minded personalities helps the organization a lot for their ideas and collaboration. This is what inspires me to go to UW. Most projects in the informatics school require teamwork and working with people from diverse backgrounds is the key to reach its intended goal, which indirectly shapes the students to be polite, hardworking, and open-minded.
My country, Indonesia, is in need of innovation for the government to work efficiently. Currently, their departments are only partially interconnected, resulting in overlaps of job responsibilities and the dire outcome that impacts its 230 million citizens. When I obtain a degree in informatics, I will streamline the bureaucracy by networking computers between departments so that the policy makers can ensure that the government can decide and deploy what the citizens of an area specifically need efficiently. If I get out with a degree in geographic information systems, I will present the government office a map of rudimentary infrastructure systems in many parts of my country so that they can pinpoint where they will put the money to rehabilitate it. I am eager to study to contribute to my country and studying in UW is a humble beginning to obtain the credentials to work my way towards those goals. The program I take may not be well known, but I believe that every person has a special expertise that they can use to build a better society.
I hate being different. That is what had been on top of my mind before high school.
Is there any way to turn this into a more positive introduction? It would be more positive to say "I'm unique", or "I march to the beat of my own drum." I'm afraid that it is not ideal to start your essay with words like "hate."
A Chinese person would save money to expand his business, while a native would spend it frivolouslyfor fun once he gets it, leading to stagnancy.
While I was proud at the statement for the sake of Chinese superiority, I doubt if non-Chinese would not be successful at all.
Try this instead: "When I heard that statement, I felt proud of my heritage. However, I found it hard to believe that a non-Chinese person couldn't be successful."
The church I went into barricaded itself from the diverse world, struggling with Chinese Indonesian members that all came from rich family, not knowing why they ended up in the church themselves, other than sent by their parents.
I find this a bit confusing. I'd like to see you tidy this up a bit, because this statement seems important. It is hard to know exactly what is the purpose of this statement.
I hated being different, but I do felt that I'm different.
I think everyone can relate to this sentiment. But, I'd like to see you turn this statement into a positive one. I do see that, later in the essay, you reveal that you used your uniqueness to your advantage, which is excellent. The college is surely looking for a student as unique as you :)
AtDuring primary school, I would bewas the student in the computer room who wouldtrying all the buttons that appeared on games, rather than playing itthem procedurally.
I befriended with Iranians and Ethiopians, and respectful Muslims in hijabs who do nothave no fear of discrimination,by speaking up why they are proud to do what they do.with pride.
Hi Jenny, thank you for your helpful feedback.
1. Honestly, my statement should be "I used to dread the idea of being different" because that happened before, now I don't dread it anymore.
2. For the statement about the church, I would tell that I was envy of living in a modest house while everyone else's houses has a grand foyer and gigantic rooms. Would that be appropriate?
3. Thanks for the grammar fix. This was written only 3 weeks ago so I wrote this kind of in a hurry.
Once again, thank you so much for your help. I may likely submit an updated version of the essay. If others would like to jump in to help, please do!
