QUESTBRIDGE APPLICATION ESSAY
Please go through my essay. It's 498 words, not much. Check if there are statements or points that you think I should add, remove, improve or emphasize. I would like if you can give me an appropriate topic. I answered the latter option of the prompt.
Essay Prompt:
Describe an experience that illustrates how you would bring diversity in a college community or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. (500 word limit)
I was doing a practical on different sets of earthworms and comparing their negative phototropic behaviors, I watched each earthworm repeatedly react to the presence of light by retreating to their burrows. I got frustrated and bored while expecting one of them to continue moving irrespective of the light. They were all doing the same thing; unsurprisingly. Not one of the 23 earthworms was going to cheat nature by doing something different. I was bored because they had all acted similarly. They did not act alike because they were all pink rather it was their innate trait to avoid light.
Likewise, we are diverse not just because we are of different races or ethnicities; rather we are different because our spirit, mind and body develop reactions based on our peculiar experiences, passion, ideas and beliefs.
Nevertheless, I imagined our world like those earthworms'; filled with people that behaved like me: Everybody was a geek like me and tried to make others understand that geeks are not the unsocial, non-mainstream 'weirdoes' who are overly obsessed with intellectual pursuits, creating a complex lifestyle for themselves instead of enjoying the social thrills of our world, but they are just regular people who choose not to conform to the traditional norms but concentrate on personal skills and imagination, and have a special interest in academics and/or computers. Everybody, like me, loved beginning every conversation with dry humor and talked with occasional sarcasm. Everybody loved to do brain-tasking challenges like Sudoku and crossword puzzles for recreation. What would happen to dress-up games? Everybody read with most of their time or spent extra time in laboratories doing 'further' experiments trying to satisfy curiosity. Then there would not be jocks that spend more time on sports. Everybody was very proud of who they were and always believed in an ever-existent brighter side. Our world would not have low self-esteemed people or pessimists. Everybody dressed casual, trendy, urban and business styles. Nobody would don retro, vintage, gothic or cyber outfits. Everybody took non-alcoholic drinks or did not gamble. There would not be pubs or casinos. Everybody loved listening to pop, gospel and hip-hop. Elvis Presley might have just sung soul music. Everybody is just a dark-skinned, middle class, Nigerian who is 185cm and weighs 86kg with a fairly pointed nose, full lips and a dimple on his left cheek. There would not be criteria for fat, thin, short, tall and other words of judgment; no human relativity.
However, my earthworms' practical made me treasure life as it contains the essential diverse personalities that add zing to our globe. A world similar to those earthworms' would be bland. I am not just a college applicant. I am a college candidate. I offer perspectives, beliefs or ideas that no one shares; just like my essay, I am unique. I bring myself who is much different from the contemporary American or African and has a lot to add to the college community.
THANKS AS YOU HELP CRITICIZE THE WORK!!!
Your opening is a weak and you try to emphasize the importance of diversity as a whole. You should concentrate on what diversity means to you more. Your diction is also awkward in the second paragraph and you begin to stereotype "geeks". The word geek was never intended to be a compliment to someone nor a way to address yourself. "Geeks" are ordinary people who are bulled for looking a specific way sometimes. They don't necessarily have to be academically inclined or have an affiinity for computers. "Non mainstream" isn't a good term to use. Again, you are stereotyping and grouping in an essay about diversity. "Jocks" is still stereotyping. You also need to use the word "if" in front of "everybody." There is a lot to revise, but I think that the experience with the earthworms can prove useful.
I still feel this is rather boring though for an intro.
"Not again! Why do you not keep moving and just defy nature?" I said in a shrill, frustrated voice that bounced off the walls of the empty laboratory. I was 'speaking' to these earthworms. My practical on the negative phototropic behavior of earthworms was getting boring; these organisms repeatedly retreated into their burrows in the presence of light. They didn't behave alike because they were all pink but because it was an innate trait to do so.
