I'm trying to throw diversity in a differenty light, in terms of embracing the right to be different as being a good thing. I need to incorporate this quote by Dr. Seuss to depic diversity: Dr. Seuss once said, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Any help, constructive criticisms, or suggestions for improvement would be greatly appreciated. I need help with the organization, where I can place paragraphs to let them have more impact and a better flow. Also I would like to cut out any fluff or unneccessary sentences. Also i think my ending was kind of weak.. WORD LIMIT: 794 Current Word Count: 714
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The rules were simple, if you wanted to be popular, then you had to play the game. You either went along with everyone else or you became an outcast. I used to think that fitting in was everything that mattered, even when it came at the expense if what I believed in.
Popularity in a private all girl's school meant being in the "it crowd," a group of beautiful, seemingly perfect girls who talked about other people behind their backs, who gossiped and took extreme measures to torment anyone who was different. It was this group that I lost myself in. Though I did not directly participate in their campaign of maliciousness, I did not do anything to stop them either. I was afraid to stand against them, for fear of rejection.
When a new girl came into our class from the countryside, she was immediately ridiculed for her funny accent, the oversized glasses, and her aloofness. Whenever she would recite, or when the teacher mentioned her name at roll call, the classroom would be filled with coughing noises, and suppressed laughter. She was treated like a disease, usually avoided and isolated.
Despite these obstacles, I envied that new girl because she did not let the prejudice get to her. She was uniquely herself, and in many ways she was freer than I was because she did not buckle under the pressures of conformity. Though I had succeeded in gaining acceptance, I did not feel the confidence and respect that I thought would come after conforming. I could see myself as the new girl, one wrong step, one miscalculated move and I would be the next reject. At the same time, I began to question the injustices. What right had anybody to dictate what was acceptable? Why did being different have to be a crime?
These locked up feelings I had suppressed were begging for release. And I got my chance that day I found the new girl's desk cruelly overturned by some immature classmates. Seeing her queer drawings, her bottle cap necklace, and several fantasy books scattered on the floor, made something inside me snap. The silence was deafening as I picked up her things and righted her desk. I could feel eyes digging at the back of my head. It was like flipping a switch inside me, turning over a new viewpoint. Prejudice, I discovered was a dangerous and unsubstantiated fear of those who are different. This was the first step of daring to be myself, destroying the prejudice by standing for something that I believed in, the right to be unique.
My heart thudded as I walked back to my seat, feeling like I had just doomed myself. But at the same time I was bursting with pride at having accomplished something bigger than myself. I braced myself for the tirade of insults. But to my utter shock and amazement the room had instead burst into a frenzy of cheering and clapping.
Dr. Seuss once said, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." To break the chains of prejudice one must dare to be different. For, if the world were made of black and white, with differences neutralized, condemned and cast aside, there would be no room to grow. Diversity means having the courage to embrace, those different from ourselves, even if it means stepping out of our comfort zones, or from the groups we belong. Today, I have continued to carry this philosophy with me, that tolerance for others begets respect. And true confidence, comes with being comfortable with who you are, enough to appreciate the beauty of coexisting alongside those who possess a different race, gender, or creed.
Hi, here's my opinion. It is a good start and I like your descriptions, really vivid. But you may not wanna give a negative image to the girls you mention. Even though the AOs don't know your classmates, it's still safer to avoid negative things in your essay especially negative characters of other people. A personal essay should be more about yourself, I know you want to express how your thoughts changed, but I think the "bad girls" are too eye-catching in your essay.
I hope that helps.
Words: 636. I edited it considerably, to try to shift the focus like you suggested. I really need to know if my essay is generating the kind of impact I want it to, or if it has any impact at all. I'll gladly help you with your essay if you help me with mine! THANK YOU!!
Hi, I like your flow of ideas and your focused choice of topic. One note:
You either got on the Queen Bee's good side or were shunned forever from social acceptance, in other words, you became an outcast.
I think the last part is a bit redundant.
My only other comment is on the fact that your entire essay takes place when you were in fourth grade...so long ago! Though I don't mean to say that this is a bad thing, can you add a line or two somewhere toward the end saying something as to how that experience is still with you today, and here's why? This is just my $.02, of course, but they aren't looking to admit your fourth grade self.
BREAKING THE STEREOTYPE. DIVERSITY
I am having trouble deciding which essay to use for the diversity prompt. I would just like to know which essay has more impact and leaves a better impression. I like Essay 1 but I think it isn't unique and everyone would probably throw diversity in the same light. I like essay 2 but I think it doesn't fully discuss diversity. So I'm in a dilemma. No need to edit. I just need someone to take the time to read and vote, essay 1 or 2. It would truly help me a whole lot! Thank you. NOTE: I posted essay 2 in another thread and it was edited, so now all I need is to know which essay leaves a better impression and appeal on the reader.
ESSAY 1
When a person at ____ high school expresses an interest in taking English Honors, a number of things can be assumed. The person is: a) a nerd b) has no social life c) a member of the resented group of overachievers, or d) all of the above. Given these assumptions, nobody expected any average, happy-go-lucky students to even risk taking the class. And yet I proceeded to go against everyone's expectations, despite the disapproval of my friends who bluntly informed me that I was committing social suicide.
I decided to take English Honors because of the rigorous coursework, the challenging and grueling analysis of literary masterpieces. I had never taken an honors class before, and although I heard horror stories about students weeping during exams, having mental breakdowns, and averaging two hours of sleep a day, I found myself hungering to be part of the intensity.
Everyone in the Honors Program knew each other from years of previous experiences and classes taken together. I would be the new girl, yet to prove that I had what it took.
That first day of class, I could feel everyone sizing me up. The smug sniggering and the mocking scrutiny clearly indicated what all of them thought, "She can't do it." They were placing stakes on how long I would last. Whenever I would ask a question, I heard them laughing and cracking jokes about that "blonde Asian" and how she was just too dull to get it. Throughout the semester I ignored their jibes, instead pushing myself to read more, write better, and study harder.
The day came when everyone was called to work together on a collaborative group presentation of Ken Kesey's novel, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. While I found myself confronted by the coyness and detachment of my classmates, and while I feared that they would fail to put aside their competitiveness for the benefit of the group, they in turn doubted that I could contribute anything valuable given my lack of experience and background in literature.
However, much as we disliked each other, the extra hours we spent together, forced us to learn about each other. I came to admired their perseverance and concentration; their ability to strive towards a goal and ultimately achieve it. Soon I was driven to perform as well as the top ten students in class. I worked alongside my brainy group mates struggling to make sense of Chief Bromden's hallucinations. In turn, I coaxed them out of their competitiveness and mistrust of each other. By passionately suggesting ideas, I had destroyed their misconceptions about my own cold aloofness and superiority. I dared them to keep an open mind towards those who did not necessarily have the same backgrounds or experiences they did. And together, we broke through the barriers of prejudice.
Going out of my comfort zone to take a class everyone thought was impossible for me to pass, led me into a world of diversity. I spent time with people who were not necessarily like me, people I did not hang out with, but in the end, people who turned out to be individuals I could get along with despite of our differences. Bono once said, "To be one, to be united is a great thing. But to respect the right to be different is maybe even greater". Suffice to say, I graduated English Honors, taking with me more than just an A. I had grown to experience the essence of diversity and more significantly, planted the foundations of a lifelong friendship.
ESSAY 2
READ ABOVE
I think what Kelsey was saying was not only to point out that the experience is still with you today, but to show an example or two. Also,
If the world waswere made of black and white, with differences neutralized, condemned and cast aside, there would be no room to grow.
Anyways, SHOW us what you have done or experienced in the present day in regards to diversity, dont just TELL us. The rule for college essays is show, dont tell. You did a good job of presenting that as a fourth grader, but now show us what you do today because of that.
I like the story and I think this is a good essay.
I like your revision. It has the impact, at least on me, to show how you changed. Keep on!
Dr. Suess also said: Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is toing to get better. It's not.
Similar to the other quote, also...I was reminded of this: "What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Nevermind." -- Homer Simpson
The second essay, definitely, is better!
