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"I want to be different" - UC Personal Statement Prompt 1


mine 1 / 2  
Nov 21, 2010   #1
I need help coming up with an ending for it.

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I always knew I was different from everyone else. Ever since I was little I would compare myself to the other children, the ones playing with their toys and running around chasing each other. I, instead, preferred the quiet; I would rather read a book or get lost in my mind than play and socialize with them. My room was my sanctuary; I spent all my time in there. However, my mom wouldn't have any of it. To her, being reserved and quiet was not acceptable and she desperately tried to make me socialize with the other children. During social events she would force me to leave my sanctuary and make friends with them. She would try to bribe me with books to make me play tag with my cousins or buy me toys to share with them.

...
wtangalang - / 14 1  
Nov 21, 2010   #2
Hi Jazmin,
Congratulations on a great essay, it gave me a good understanding of the person behind the application. Just a few pointers here and there that may help you out:

To her, being reserved and quiet was not acceptable, and she desperately

into the conversation because their conversations bored me. <-- this sounds a bit...obnoxious let's just say...

great job on the mask, i like the meaning behind it.

I would hide my personality; hide my intellectual smartness by "dumbing down" my diction just to fit in. <-- this seems a bit obnoxious as well. You're saying here that all your "popular friends" are inferior to you. Maybe not the best impression you can put on..

epiphany <-- elaborate a LOT more on this epiphany

I wanted to be different. <-- why is 'want' in past tense? do you no longer want to be different?

Hope these suggestions help! good luck with the application process!
OP mine 1 / 2  
Nov 21, 2010   #3
Thanks for the tips ^.^

Any who would this be a good ending? :
I realized that you don't have to change yourself to fit in; the right kind of people will accept you for who you are. The goal now is to find those people.
meytng 3 / 8  
Nov 21, 2010   #4
you have a strong essay here. I don't know how i can help you with the ending because you are the one who actually experienced this. Maybe in search of the ending, u can take a moment to ask yourself why you chose this topic in the first place.
OP mine 1 / 2  
Nov 21, 2010   #5
Help on revisions?

Prompt #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I received my first computer at the age of 8; it was also the start of my love for technology and the realization of a quality I didn't know I possessed. Setting up our new family computer was difficult; my mom tried just about everything to set it up but only got half way. Somehow, while I was toying around excitedly with our new computer I figured out how to actually "work it," having figured this all by myself my mom was impressed. This event was just the beginning of what would become my ambition to engineer technology.

Throughout the years I figured out I had a natural ability to program technology. Cell phones, TVs, computers, remote controls; I could program them with my eyes close (and without reading the instruction manual.) I was always being called upon by family and friends to fix and program their gizmos. Every time one of my family members or friends got a new cell phone I was the one they looked for. If they didn't know how to set up the remote control or the cable box, they relied on me. I absolutely loved messing with different forms of technology and at that point I knew I wanted to work in a field that dealt with technology.

Throughout high school I always wanted the newest gadgets, the first place I ran to when we went to Costco, Target, or Wal-Mart was the electronic center. I could spend hours there observing the newest technology and toying around with the newest cameras and the newest computers.

By this time I had my own laptop at home, I would spend hours "investigating" the different folders and where each destination went on my hard drive. I figured out how to download themes and change the appearance of my computer. After figuring this out my iPod was next, I "hacked" it and then continued on to change the appearance and how it worked. This all fascinated me, and I loved it. Junior year of high school I made up my mind: I wanted to become an engineer, not just any engineer, but a computer or software engineer. I know that is the field I would aspire in and where my heart is set on.
love4essays - / 1  
Nov 21, 2010   #6
Dear Mine,

I think you have enough experiences to back up who you claim to be, but what you are missing is defining who you are. The prompt ask you how your experience relates to who you are and I think your essay will be complete when you can clarify who you are or who you want to be. There are some free resources you may find helpful at essayvision.com


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