Courage, or in other words, a confidence in my actions being true and just, is a source of demonstrating unique qualities. However, there was a point in my life when I was afraid to be different from the world.
Minor corrections - i've included them in the quote.
Ever since I was little, I have been shy. I was afraid of standing out, which caused quite a dilema for me. My passion to contribute to the world seemed to contradict my personality. I often fell into self-disparagement, asking questions such as, "Why am I so shy?", and "What can I do with my personality?" But, I was overlooking an important fact: There are other ways to be different from the world. I had another trait that could differentiate me from others: compassion. I feel compassionate towards people who are hurt and banished.
Here is maybe where you could add a little bit more detail on how you came to realize you were compassionate.
As a Korean International Student in the United States, I witnessed much irrationality within Korean communities. Younger students were often taken advantage of by their older peers. Having seen this "hierarchy" for many years, I could not help but feel a deep sense of empathy for the younger students. I made sure that I listened to those who needed comfort whenever possible.
Just some quick advice: College admissions officers usually prefer when we don't shorten words...for example: Instead of "Don't," use "Do not," instead of "couldn't," you should use "could not" etc.
Objectively, I may not be the most promising student: I am not a genius who receives national merit.
Focus on strengths! Possibly give more details on how you're willing to commit your life to humanity - it will make your case stronger. Show how compassionate you are. Do you plan on majoring in something that will help you to help others? Maybe Notre Dame does something specific to help opressed people that you admire and want to be involved in...think about possibly including that in the essay. How will your compassionate nature contribute to making Notre Dame a better place?
I really hope this helped and that none of my comments were confusing...i'll check the thread again this week, so please let me know if you need clarifications on something.