critique? be brutal please.
- 1. The Rev. John I. Jenkins, C.S.C., President of the University of Notre Dame, said in his Inaugural Address that, "If we are afraid to be different from the world, how can we make a difference in the world?" In what way do you feel you are different from your peers, and how will this shape your contribution to the Notre Dame community?
Judging eyes pierced my face as people wondered how anyone could leave his or her house with those things on in this fashion age. I had just bought a pair of glasses that covered half my face, and with confidence, I pushed up my over-sized spectacles perched atop my nose. With debasing comments, I wore them again the next day. And the next day and the next. People asked me why I wore those "things." I simply replied to them, "Because they're different." They stood out in a crowd. Even though people mocked me with condescending criticism, I did not care because these glasses were unique; they stood out.
People stereotype me as a typical Asian who gets the grades and scores because of my ethnicity rather than the hours slaved away at my desk instead of sleeping. And because I am one out of the multitude of Asians at my school, classmates, teachers, and even friends get me mixed up with other Asian girls. I abhor when people do this because I want my personality to define who I am, not my physical appearances.
Just like when I am wearing those glasses, I am not afraid to be different. My determination to be the best at everything I do and determination to be different-my own unique person-is something that I will carry with me to Notre Dame. Bringing in a fresh and unique perspective along with diversity, something that Notre Dame values, I know that my qualities and personality will bring a solid foundation to clubs and classes I will participate in. I wore the glasses because I wanted to be myself, and with that confidence, I will break free of the stereotypes placed on me and become a unparalleled contribution to not only Notre Dame, but anywhere I go.
I like how you go from something specific, like your glasses, to how you are unique as a person. Also, you manage to tell about how you are hard-working. I think a smoother transition from the first paragraph to the second would help, though.
thank you!
anything else?
Here is the new edited version! please help some more :]
Judging eyes pierced my face as people wondered how anyone could leave her house with those atrocious "things" on in this fashion age. bringing innovative ideas and a new perspective to the table, I have always loved to experiment and try out new ideas. I had just bought a pair of glasses that veiled half my face, and with confidence, pushed up my over-sized spectacles perched atop my nose. Even with debasing comments though, I wore them again the next day. And the next day and the next. People asked me why I wore those "things." I simply replied to them, "Because I like them, and they're different." They caught the eye of anyone passing by. Although people mocked me with condescending criticism, I brushed them off because these glasses were unique; they stood out. The degrading remarks made me more adamant in my beliefs and more confident in myself.
Just like how people judged me and my glasses, people condemn and stereotype me as a typical Asian who gets the grades and scores because of ethnicity rather than the hours slaved away studying instead of out partying. And because I am one out of the multitude of Asians at my school, classmates and even teachers confuse me for other Asian girls. I abhor when people heedlessly mistake me because I want my personality to define who I am, not my physical appearances. Sure, I have the small eyes and skinny frame, but no one has the same laugh as me or can light up the room with laughter with her presence like I can. My tenacity to overcome any obstacle, whether it is criticism or stereotypes, enables me to rise above a crowd and become my own person.
I am not afraid to be different just like when I am wearing those glasses. My determination to be the best at everything I do and determination to be different-my own unique person-is something that I will carry with me to Notre Dame. Bringing in a fresh and unique perspective, I know that my dedication and personality will bring a solid foundation to clubs and classes I will participate in. I wore the glasses because I wanted to be different and myself, and with that courage, I will break free of the stereotypes placed on me and become an unparalleled contribution to not only Notre Dame, but everywhere I go.
Also, I answered the optional what attracts you to Notre Dame question.
With aesthetic scenery, Notre Dame is deemed one of the most prestigious universities nationwide. But the reason I truly yearn to go to Notre Dame is to fulfill the mission statement that the school was founded on- a sense of human solidarity and concern for the common good that will bear fruit to justice. Even though I have never known precisely what I wanted to major in or what career path I wanted to take, one thing I do know for certain is that I want to help alleviate societal problems plaguing our world today. And with top-notch research facilities such as the Genomics Core Facility and experienced instructors at Notre Dame, it is the perfect environment to bring out the best in me. Also Notre Dame attracts me because it stresses importance on its catholic identity without infringing on other people's beliefs or education.
I abhor when people heedlessly mistake me because I want my personality to define who I am, not my physical appearances.--Well, this probably is the result of people's inability to relate deeply with one another. Also, some people just do not have good visual memories; I can hardly remember what anyone's face looks like. It is great that you are resisting the pressure to conform to a stereotype.m I think this essay7 presents you as a hard working student and also as a real person with strong emotions and sensitivity.
Capitalize Catholic in that second essay. For the second one, I also think it would be good to choose one program that "attracts you," even if you might not be sure that it is what you want to do with your career. Just describe one that attracts you, and let your sense of curiosity about the subject be inspiring to the reader.
:-)
this essay is a good approach. I would also advise pick a specific program or research facility that attracts you and focus on it, as colleges like that.
ahhh thanks!
Is there anything I should change/fix in the first essay??
any other feedback??
anything?
Im sorry. I don't want to sound annoying or anything, but if someone could please look at my essay, I would be happy to return the favor also. Thank you!!
