Hi I just wanted some insight on my essay. I felt really great about writing it but reading through it now it seems a little cliche. I would really appreciate if I could get some feedback.
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
I have always had difficulty expressing myself. Whether it was asking someone out or telling my brother that he made our room smell disgusting, I always felt like I couldn't say what I wanted without making sure that every word was perfect. Each syllable had to be inspected thoroughly before I was satisfied that my words carried the meaning I intended. For instance, I remember feeling terrible when my dad left my family, but whenever someone asked about it, I sat stoically because I couldn't communicate just how unwanted I felt. I couldn't stand people thinking differently of me, so I just kept my thoughts to myself.
Since I didn't use my words to show who I was, I always did my best to convey my identity through my actions. I painted surreal landscapes of the school's front quad, I went out on sunny days to just lay in the grass and enjoy the breeze, I helped random people study for their math tests. I let my thoughts and feelings emanate through my actions, and so, I made friends in spite of my undemonstrative diction. As time progressed my friends and I grew closer, but, I still couldn't find a way to talk about myself. Even when my friends confided in me, I was incapable of returning the sentiment. I thought I couldn't possibly trust them because I wasn't able to show them the real me. I felt terrible, my silence was betraying our friendship, but I just could not figure out a way to tell them that I was gay.
I'm gay. I have known since I was in the fourth grade, but I've never felt comfortable telling anyone. It wasn't because of the stigma against gay people, I had dealt with prejudice due to my race so I knew how to handle confrontations. What I was really afraid of was being compartmentalized as "the gay guy". If I couldn't be "Cam that's always in the art room" or "Cameron? Who can't tell a joke because he laughs too much" without having the word gay as a prefix, I didn't want anyone to know I was gay at all.
It was an ordinary day this spring that my facade collapsed. As usual, Alex, Page, Jeffrey, and I had spent the majority of the day together, but something unexpected happened that night. Jeffrey sent a text telling me to come to his room for something important, when I arrived, Alex and Page were already there. We sat in a circle on the floor and with no precursor or preamble, Jeffrey asked me, "Cam, are you gay?" I was mortified, I'm sure my eyes welled with tears, I couldn't lie to them outright, but I also wasn't sure how they'd react to the truth. The tension in the air was palpable, I was on the verge of tears when I felt a gentle hand on shoulder, "Cam," Alex said "we won't love you any less" I remember looking into his eyes, full of genuine care and concern, and for the first time I didn't think, I just spoke. "Yea. Yea I am" I muttered, I expected something dramatic to happen, maybe someone would cry or get angry but I wasn't nearly prepared for what actually happened. Page said, "Since we're friends I guess we're all homiesexuals", and we spent the rest of the night laughing.
I don't know what that night meant to my friends, but it changed my world. All of a sudden it was okay to be myself. All of a sudden I didn't care about what anyone thought, because I had three people that loved me for me. Now I'm known as "Cameron that refuses to give up in monopoly" and "the guy who knows entirely too much about prehistoric creatures" as well as "that gay kid" and I couldn't be happier, because I finally feel like myself.
When I write an essay, I usually start it with a famous quotaion, a popular song's lyrics, or any proverb that is related to what I would write in the following paragraphs. Try it, maybe it might work for you, too! :)
Cameron, just because you are sharing your story of self-discovery and the eventual coming out that sometimes accompanies such events, does not make what you had to share with the reviewer cliche. In fact, it is something that would not normally come up with the standard common app prompts so yes, taking advantage of this prompt to bring that into the spotlight was just the right thing to do.
The only problem I see with this is that you spend too much of the essay talking about how the other people view you and your fear of judgement. What stopped you from talking more about who you are as a person? Regardless of your sexual orientation or gender identification, you are first and foremost a person. So why not tell us who you are aside from a person who used to be afraid of other people's judgement?
This is the one chance you have in your whole application to let the reviewer get to know everything about you. You already started that with "I am gay." So who were you before you came to this realization? Did coming out have benefits for you? Why not talk about how it helped improved your life in a more specific manner. Don't just talk about "Cam this" and "Cam that". Let us know who else you are beyond being gay. What makes you special? What makes people want to be your friend? What makes you interesting? Being gay is only one side of you, not all of you. So let us get to know the whole package if you are comfortable with that. Then your essay will go beyond cliche and offer the reviewer more of an insight into who you are.
