Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 8


"Difficulty need not foreshadow despair".. AMHERST


aiswim 4 / 28  
Dec 29, 2010   #1
I must respond to the following quote in a personal manner. "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted."

I picked up the bottle of disinfectant, grabbed the roll of paper towels, and reluctantly walked over to the massive steel refrigerator. I knew what awaited me as soon as I opened that heavy door: food-encrusted corners, rusty iron racks, and probably a few unidentified substances plastered on the floor. Hesitantly, I rolled up the sleeves of my volunteer jacket and embarked upon a journey through filth and grime. It was a typical Saturday morning in the hospital cafeteria.

Four hours, one hundred clean dishes, fourteen dusted lamps, twelve scrubbed tables, and five polished windows later, I completed my volunteer duties at the Hospital of Central Connecticut-well, for that week at least. I knew I would be returning to kitchen duty the following Saturday, and my sense of pride and accomplishment would turn into dread as the week progressed. I would sometimes ask myself, "Why don't I just quit?" It was a simple solution. Yet, something kept bringing me back-week after week, month after month-and it certainly wasn't the hairnet or the smell of Lysol in the morning. Although some of my motivation came from helping others, a great deal of it arose from the fact that no one believed I would last more than thirty minutes in such an environment. Everyone doubted me: my parents, my brother, my friends, and even myself. I'll admit I was initially put off by the reek of vegetable barley soup and dishwasher detergent, but I came to realize that if I could handle swim practice, cello solos, and Shakespeare, then cleaning a cafeteria shouldn't be a problem. So every Saturday at 8:30 AM, I rolled up my sleeves and cleaned that refrigerator with the determination to prove myself to all the nonbelievers. Indeed, this job was far from glamorous, but that is what made my accomplishment worthwhile in the end.

Please don't hesitate to be harshly critical!
Any opinions are appreciated!
shootingstar3 1 / 7  
Dec 29, 2010   #2
The essay is well-written with descriptions and strong word choices. Good job! :) One thing I'm not sure about is the connection between the prompt and your essay. So, your "difficulty" was the unpleasant environment of hospital cafeteria (and maybe the doubts people around you had about your survival), while the "achievement" was continuing the volunteer work? I think the achievement should be more precise because merely staying in the job rather seems to be a process, not an accomplishment. Do you have a specific moment when you thought "Ah! This is what all my sweeping and sweating was worth for!" Using such a time as an achievement might create a clearer relationship between the question and your answer.

p.s: "...plastered on the floor. Reluctantly , I rolled up the sleeves of my..." -> maybe change to Although hesitantly? You don't have to put Although, but don't repeat the word relunctantly!

Good luck, and happy new year!
hanapkd 1 / 2  
Dec 29, 2010   #3
Your essay got me to chuckle as I kept getting closer to the end. I think you answered the prompt well in your own voice, and with a charming sense of humor. I might add how long your job lasted somewhere at the end of the essay so readers could really get the sense that you lasted well for a long time.
blackpixel23 19 / 46  
Dec 29, 2010   #4
Yet, something kept bringing me back-week after week,.

So this right here is supposed to be the achievement part of your essay. There's several things I'd like to point out though.

1. " I think it was the fact that no one believed I would last more than thirty minutes in such an environment." You THINK?! By phrasing it that way, it seems like you lack conviction in this statement. Take out the "I think" part and make this sentence stronger. You don't want to show any doubt in your ultimate conclusion and achievement.

2. To a slight point, your reason for doing the work almost seems a tad superficial. It seems like you only want to prove others wrong. Delve a little deeper into this idea. How does proving them wrong make you feel? Were there also other feelings of knowing that you were volunteering in a hospital? Add those on.

I love your description at the start; it flows beautifully.
OP aiswim 4 / 28  
Dec 29, 2010   #5
Thanks guys!
I edited it a little, but it's really tough because I was already at the word limit.
In fact, now it's 10 words OVER the limit.
Any suggestions on what to take out?
abatado /  
Dec 29, 2010   #6
Take out the words in red:

I knew I would be returning to kitchen duty the following Saturday, and my sense of pride and accomplishment would turn into dread as the week progressed .

Also, since you are over the limit, I would advise you to take out some of the things from your list, such as brother, and five polished windows... since you don't mention anything about cleaning the refrigerator, you don't have to go to detailed about your time at the hospital in the first sentence.

Btw, please help me with my BU supplement, I think you are the most direct and concise editor I have met here.
fnm193 3 / 9  
Dec 29, 2010   #7
This is very well written!

However I think by saying

and even myself

you're doubting your own abilities, and its not very clear if you ever got rid of the doubt...even if you did return. I think maybe you can delete that...

and dishwasher detergent

maybe you can delete that, as it is the lesser of the two evils..

good luck :)

please take a look at my essay too!
omm13 2 / 6  
Dec 30, 2010   #8
You said it made your accomplishment worthwhile. How they come to worthwhile? Explain a bit.
You can omit "myself" and "my accomplishment" in the last sentence. Without them, your essay go well. Next, you don't need to give precise time. Write " every Saturday morning". If so, it will save 2 more words.


Home / Undergraduate / "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair".. AMHERST
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳